I hate CSS and XHTML! (>.<)

Some things are broken right now as I try to switch from HTML 4.01 Transitional (read: working, but old skool) to XHTML 1.0 and CSS 2.0 with the dope div tags all over the place and floating elements.

The main intro page is up and working, and that was a total bitch to get control of the vertical and horizontal. This was far from being an episode of the outer limits as I struggled with 2 floating elements and had to do mathematical programming in PHP that would carry over to the layout. Needless to say it was a bitch and I’m keeping it a secret (CSS does not like images for some reason, someone please tell me why).

I’m considering stretching these pages out to 100% because it would probably look cool, and maybe I’ll add a little more color to the layout. Aside from that, don’t expect a whole lot of changes to the design, I just wanted to kill tables since it was becoming a pain in the ass to load PHP code inbetween a bunch of table tags. God bless the div tag for being useful in that regard.

Thanks for your patience while I fix the mess.

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Shut Up America

What in the hell is wrong with America? Are we on such a power trip and drunk from flattening the Taliban that we think we can take on the whole world? Can we just be honest about it and just tell everyone it’s about oil and world conquest instead of bullshitting the UN and claiming disarmament and regime change is the only goal?
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What is worth fighting for?

Our forefathers had a vision of man who was willing to do anything in his power to fight for freedom against tyranny. Their motto was one of “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness”, and if you ask any American, this is still strongly believed.
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What happened on September 11th… 1994?

On September 11 1994, Frank Corder got behind the controls of a stolen red and white, single engine plane. Shortly after 2am on September 12th, he violated the highly restricted Washington DC airspace and aimed the small plane towards The Whitehouse. Or did he?
see more…

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Working as: BrainBench Test Validator

I am doing a gig for BrainBench as a validator for the PHP4 test. I’m sure this goes over the heads of a lot of the non-techies out there but I wanted to say that this is really cool and I’m amazed they called me out of the blue.

I took their test a LONG time ago (October 2000, a long time in Internet years), I received the level of “Master” on the test and didn’t think much of it at the time aside from having something that helped validate my skills. For a while I was ranked in the top 10 in Georgia and you better believe I was EXTREMELY proud of that.

Of course, it was one of those things that I kept to myself, I was already happily employed and it was merely for my own edification to procure this type of acknowledgement. Well, that was two years ago, time passed and I sort of figured that poor BrainBench, like many other dot-coms, was doomed to financial failure.

Now, two years later and obviously still alive and kicking, BrainBench has gone and snagged their own certification to justify their testing ability, the coveted ISO 9001.

And now I get to be a test validator for their PHP4 test. I will get 25 test questions and answers and I will write what I think of them (validate them of course). I guess this could be the pinnacle of my PHP days, or it could be a completely new beginning, I look forward to following where this takes me.

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Rock out with your cock out

Recently (ok, just five minutes ago), I put myself on the open market for adult websites via adultstaffing.com… I like the way they cater directly to those of us who know exactly what industry we like being in. I like porn, who in their right mind wouldn’t?

Here’s the transcript of my “application” with their service, I figure honesty and brazen self-esteem (with the high esteem of others to back you up) MUST be the best policy, because it works so well in the movies and all that:

PHP & SQL pimp (WOAH!)

(June 19, 2002 – stephenvandyke.com) Hi everybody, I’m doing the contract thing now because I enjoy working from home and having the tunes cranked WAY up which lets me rock out with the code. I do PHP, HTML, PERL, JavaScript and I dream in SQL. I design databases like a motherfucker hyped up on PCP (in a good way, not in that crazy streetcorner guy way). Oh yeah, and I’m far from conventional, I don’t BS about work or anything else, I just get things done to supreme satisfaction and you walk away with a giant smile.

I’m in this industry because… well I like porn, who here doesn’t? I’m always helping people find a new edge when working on projects (ie- have you ever laughed while masterbating?) and I have worked with some of the largest names in the industry (LFP, NationalNet, Vivid, et al). If you want your site to be bold and well programmed and want someone who can reach under the covers and give your audience a hard-on then you should seriously consider my expertise.

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Google & Dilbert: Final Logo… *spewwwww*

All this week (05/20 – 05/24), Google and Scott Adams – FRIDAY! The culmination of a week’s worth of wacky one-liners yeilds… another weak-ass joke, except this time there’s a little TM at the end.

As per usual, the original version is first, then my version is below. You can read more about this whole Google logo lunacy here.

Holy crap, I waited all week, wading through annoying one-liners and bad jokes for this piece of shit? Well, fuck it, here’s the lady from Old Navy, because only one thing can top the annoying Dilbert logo today… Carrie Donovan and Magic trying to hawk cargo pants and fleece sweaters and GRARGGGGHHH… BRAIN ANEURISM!!!

Original Google logo for Friday May 24th, 2002

Modified Google logo

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Google & Dilbert: Help I’m choking on the funny, GRARGHNEH!

All this week (05/20 – 05/24), Google and Scott Adams – THURSDAY! This one truly sucks ass, I can’t believe they went back to the same image from Monday but with different text, lame.

As per usual, the original version is first, then my version is below. You can read more about this whole Google logo lunacy here. Oh yeah, this one was way over the top in the lameness factor. Why don’t they just make a stupid TPS reports joke while they are at it. Hopefully tomorrow’s new logo unveiling is a lot more eventful than the crap that’s been spewing all week. I can’t believe I’m wasting my time making fun of such weak comedy. I hope Google fires Scott Adams in a stroke of comedy brilliance and the logo is a giant pink slip that says everyone at Dilbert Inc. or whatever-the-fuck is fired and have a nice weekend.

Original Google logo for Thursday May 23rd, 2002

Modified Google logo

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Google & Dilbert: Heeeeeeey Macarena

All this week (05/20 – 05/24), Google and Scott Adams – WEDNESDAY! Am I the only one who thinks Scott Adams isn’t even trying? Ohh, drop the ‘Go’, now drop the ‘gle’. Why is this guy popular again?

As per usual, the original version is first, then my version is below. You can read more about this whole Google logo lunacy here. This is Wednesday’s installment and I’m kicking Scott Adams’ ass all over the web on this one. I figure by Friday Google or United Media will send me a C&D which I will promptly ignore since this is legitimate parody.

Original Google logo for Wednesday May 22nd, 2002

Modified Google logo

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Google & Dilbert: MMMMM Boobies!

All this week (05/20 – 05/24), Google and Scott Adams – TUESDAYYY!!!

As per usual, the original version is first, then my version is below. You can read more about this whole Google logo lunacy here. This is Tuesday’s installment and it’s just getting warmed up so I see some funny stuff coming out of this.

Original Google logo for Tuesday May 21st, 2002

Modified Google logo

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Google & Dilbert: A winning combination!!#!@

All this week (05/20 – 05/24), Google and Scott Adams have teamed up to uhh “showcase” some of his brilliant wit and artistic style via the modified Google logo at google.com. I decided to “help” them come up with some different logos, enjoy.

As per usual, the original version is first, then my version is below. You can read more about this whole Google logo lunacy here. It’s going on all week so depending on what comes up I will try to follow this all week and make a counter-version for your enjoyment.

Original Google logo for Monday May 20th, 2002

Modified Google logo

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Ego Tangent

I’m the first to admit that I’m crass, bold, outspoken, sometimes irritating, mostly charming and funny and anything but humble. I like to step into the limelight and I sometimes have an arrogant aire to me.

Then again, you probably already knew that from reading this site. However, I have come to realize that wearing these qualifications as a badge of honor comes off as highly offensive to many people, and even snobbish. Me, a snob, the irony kills me. My goal in life is not to place myself on a pedestal above everyone else, or even to become greater or better than anyone (although each person has delusions of grandeur). My ultimate goal is not to amass great wealth or write scores of books for my own edification; it is to help society transform into something more than corporate empires and entertainment vacuums. I believe in theories regarding the predictability of future events based on mathematics and recurrences, and I share my thoughts on these subjects as I feel fit (in proper environments of course). Because I talk about such things, I am immediately dismissed as having my head in the clouds, or some kind of crazy holistic person who read too much Nostradamus.

Let me set the record straight on this matter since I realize potential employers, recruiters and people who just happened to find this site via a link are reading this: I’m not an egomaniac. I’m most certainly not funny and witty twenty-four hours a day. I’m not an expert on every detail of the Universe, hell I barely understand half the theories I come up with myself. Some days I wish I wasn’t smart at all, just some guy who works a shovel all day or picks up litter with a sharpened stick. Sometimes being civilized just doesn’t seem worth it, because I want to break out of the system of structured existence. After all, I do not want my future to be one of working hard all my life, saving my pennies, buying a house, getting married, having kids, throwing bar-b-q parties, retiring, moving to Florida and dying. It’s too cliche, and too tame for my taste.

Some would say that what I lack is religion, or spirituality. I agree with them, yet conventional religion and theology does not satiate my desires and merely leaves me with meaningless structure and rules that follow fascist logic. Buddhism and Taoism are a few religions which come close, yet they still lack the underpinning knowledge that I strive to seek. But I digress… religion is only part of the topic at hand. The main focus of my dissertation today my ego. Let’s move on.

I have a large ego, or rather, I used to have a large ego. You see, being unemployed is a great way to humble oneself. The realization that life will continue without you is a disappointment at first, followed by relief, followed by fear and uncertainty, followed by anger and resentment, followed by some depression sprinkled with desperation. This all occurs in the span of about fifteen minutes and drags on until you come to your senses and realize you need to go get a job or else you’ll be living on the street. So you dust off your resume, sign up for a half-dozen job sites, wonder why the hell you ever wanted to be a computer geek when you could have sold your art paintings years ago, look at said paintings and laugh at yourself for conceiving such a thought and zing your digital employment history into infinity.

Then you wait for eternity.

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Mailboxes are Exploding. Why you ask? Good Question.

Ok, this is quite amusing to me, and I’m going to assume it’s giving some good laughs to others as well. Teen Misdirected angst is always good for a cheap laugh. Maybe if I make Jon Stewart laugh I can get a job on The Daily Show (*cough* currently unemployed, please help *cough*).

I am just about done with the core of this site, all I need now is to activate the comments and topics (archives) and this will make me very happy.

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The gears are spinning faster

Now that the cruft has begun to dissipate and fall away from the site, I am gearing up for a revival of creativity and writings, read on for a taste.

I’ve been away for quite a while, mostly because of work, partly because I couldn’t find the yearning to milk my creative outlet for personal worth. This has changed. My life has changed. I am once again in tumultuous times, wiser and more mature than ever, and yet the feeling of lack of control continues to pervade my thoughts. Part of it has to do with current world politics, war and the overall sense of helplessness that comes with realizing that the wheel of fate continues to roll forward unabashed.

Another part of me feels that I can take control of everything in my life and move forward to my future and embrace whatever I become, but illusions of grandeur cloud my path. I apologize for the metaphors. I find it much more difficult to convey my thoughts in simple terms these days as I have abandoned earlier theories of chaos and disorder. Even as the world continues its decay into lunacy and blood-letting, the signs of order and harmony become more apparent, each action bearing its own weight in future reactions. Newton’s 3rd law can best help explain this:

III. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Consider the following: you may have learned about stocks and supply and demand in finance classes, you may also be away of the 3 states of price movement; Those three possibilities are positive, negative and neutral. These states are the basis of ALL mathematics, and thus the basis of the Universe itself.

Here’s where it gets interesting.

In nature as well as the universe, there is a common shape found everywhere, the spiral. Ancient Greeks studied it with vigor and it was renewed during the Renaissance, but interest in spirals has tapered since then. I don’t claim to be mathematically astute regarding spirals, but a certain train of thought has haunted me for some time now regarding them. Take for instance the butterfly and the hurricane hypothesis, it states that a butterfly flapping its wing in China can start (or add to) a chain reaction resulting in a hurricane in Florida. This is entirely possible and cannot be discredited. However by that same argument, a moth flapping its wing in Africa could start (or add to) a chain reaction resulting in the diffusional of the same hurricane. Every positive or negative influence in the world IS interconnected, and by that reasoning, using math would allow us to calculate these reactions and even predict future reactions, as increasing energy (outward spiral) or decreasing energy (inward spiral).

I dedicate my time to attempting to decode this mystery.

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FIRST POST: Be patient, I have to import the old site

Ok people, read this… More things are being fixed to get it back up and running at full speed after a long haitus. I deserved it, so if you missed me, good. Or I didn’t, either way, relax… smoke a bowl, crack a beer and enjoy the read. Me and my friends have a lot of new shit to talk about and I’m not holding back on anything, ever.

I have to import a crapload of old stuff from the old database to the new one I’ve written (and still writing at the exact moment you are reading this, I never sleep, ever). Keep in mind that every thing I say is always going to kick ass, and everyone will have a good time and get along, no lies. Also, I probably edited this post like 151 times to make it perfect, but it will still suck.

This is a website made by smart libertarian persons like you. We share news of cheer and misery. We have badges. Welcome.

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