Yakety Yak and Blah, Blah, Blah: Words of Wisdom from the E̶m̶p̶e̶r̶o̶r̶ President

Oh, God! He opened with remarks about the Constitution.

Jobs are still down, and corporations are making profits. Boo!

Government will grow the middle class!

“If you work hard and meet your responsibilities…” you should do well. Even with our boots on your neck.

We can’t solve every problem…but in a few minutes, I want you to forget I said that.

The people are all about compromise…they dig it, I’m telling you. Government needs to do stuff. And we can’t do that unless we all agree that we need more laws. After all, up to this point, the laws have been pretty awesome. But we need more, and betters.

Spending cuts are a really bad idea…I mean, if we aren’t spending, why are we here?

Some of these people think that throwing money at problems won’t work. I say, YES IT WILL!

I’ve been beating on the wealthiest. And I’ve sort of gotten used to it. But gaffing the rich isn’t enough. We need to reform stuff. For example, even though I bash corporate greed, I haven’t done shit about the idiocy that is government subsidies to billion dollar corporations. This is ridiculous. Let’s reduce this absurdity slightly, and keep giving tax payer money to big pharma, but slightly less! Can I get an Amen???

We’re gonna have to make some jobs happen AND bring down the deficit—using nothing but coercive violence, the power of government, and of course, my Super Secret patent medicine.

My father knew this witch doctor in Kenya. Man, this guy stirred a hell broth like you wouldn’t believe. Now, I don’t remember all of it, but I think I can replicate it well enough to make some magic happen. And let’s face it; we need magic. First, we need some spider’s tear,s a couple of dragon scales, a cup of hot fat, and the Beatles White Album.

What’s that? Listen, I said the same thing back in my first term. If anyone has a better idea, my door’s always open. But what I won’t stand for is criticism of my methods, from those who don’t have any ideas of their own.

Taxes are awesome, but the tax code sucks. See, people are moving businesses overseas, and I figure it’s on account of all these forms. So if we can put it all on one page, I bet they’ll come flying back to the good ole’ US of A, even though we’re completely hostile toward business and choke expansion with regulation, and success with red tape.
Sometimes elected officials cause the crisis. But debt reduction isn’t as important as creating jobs. Man, I love saying that. But here’s the deal. We’re going to forego the Pledge of Allegiance from now on, cause I have a really cool platitude. Want to hear it? Too bad, it’s mine! Ha, ha. I’m kidding. But seriously, here it is:

Instead of the Pledge, were going to have every American ask themselves three questions every morning.

How do we attract more jobs to our shores?
How do we equip our people with the skills they need to get those jobs?
And how do we make sure that hard work leads to a decent living.

Now the economists really dug my awesome American Jobs Act, and the last Congress was cool enough to pass some of that agenda. Now we need to get the rest done. Yeah, it’s all government action and stuff, but chillax, folks. It don’t cost nothin’!

We have some cool jobs we lost coming back home. Don’t ask me why that is, that’s not important. But it’s cool, right? Yeah, it’s all tax breaks and other favoritism/corporatism, but still. Cool stuff. Listen, even Apple is going to start making the only computer that’s as cool as I am, right here in America! Sweet, huh? Almost as sweet as the sweetheart deal they got to agree to it. But let’s stay positive.

More corporatism is right around the corner. Whatever the reason jobs are leaving, whatever non-government cause it may have been, whatever gloabalization issue favored by the GOP led to this economic blight, we have an awesome opportunity—closed warehouses. And what do you do with closed warehouses? You turn that frown upside down and offer a great deal to businesses if they’ll j̶o̶i̶n̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶w̶e̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶ ̶r̶u̶l̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶g̶a̶l̶a̶x̶y̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶f̶a̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶s̶o̶n̶ team up with cabinet level government and we can make some hubs for high tech stuff. See? Government again! W00T!

If we double down on state funded cool ideas, we can grow a human liver in the beak of a penguin, which, oddly enough, can produce more oil than anyplace on earth…wait. Huh? These are Biden’s notes. Sorry.

The crazy weather is all manmade stuff. And if we don’t cut the AC on, it’s going to get too hot and rain more. Here’s the deal, folks: if Congress won’t do what I want, I’ll do it myself. I know, I know I don’t have the legal authority for any such thing. But if I start looking around, I’ll use the term “Executive Order,” which metaphysically alters reality and lets me do whatever I wish.

High gas prices suck. Now I’m not about to remedy that by suggesting a slashing of gasoline taxes, hell no. I need that money to fund the greta ideas contained in the budgets we keep missing by a trillion dollars, or so.

OK, enough about action and planning. Let’s get some applause for flowery platitudes. You game? Sweet.
Let’s all promise to stop wasting stuff. Let’s say, I dunno, only waste half the energy you do now. Whattayasay?

Now business need stuff, and so do our kids. Let’s make everything better. Government can! Hells yeah!

The housing market is roaring back. But families can’t refinance, and the banks are holding the market hostage. There greedy bankers just don’t want to make any money. I know it sounds strange, but that’s our reality. Homeowners with perfect credit and an amazingly low debt to income ration can’t get the banks to agree to hugely profitable loans. This just won’t do. So what we’re going to do is encourage these people who can’t refinance a chance to save $3,000 a year by refinancing. Doesn’t that sound great? Send me the bill on this strange, drunken proposition and I’ll sight it immediately [cue applause signal]!

“Why would we be against that?”

Study after study shows that the earlier kids strt to learn, the better educated they’ll be. [Camera tree on Arnie Duncan, please. And tell him to nod in a slow, dramatic way]. 

Every dollar we don’t have that we can invest in education will save us seven dollars down the road by reducing bad stuff, even crime. It works. So let’s do it. It’s only a dollar, and no one spends a dollar responsibly like government.

I have some good ideas about how to improve education, and fortunately, the only thing required to implement these things is money, and we’ve got plenty of that—the printing presses are running 25 hours a day. Now, I know some of you think that’s impossible. You’ve obviously forgotten who I am.

I’m going to yammer on now abut the middle class and how important it is. I would like to suggest that young people reach even higher, but as I’ve already angered and alienated everyone above middle class, I doubt those closer to the top want any new members I sent upstairs, so we’ll just focus on “the middle class.” This is doubly important because test groups love it when I say “middle class.” So, until that changes, I’m going to be saying it a lot. Even absent a plan, they clicked those “approval” buttons every time I said it. “climate change” tested pretty well too.

Now, we’ve done great on immigration reform, and we’re going to keep on keeping on. We’re going to do this and that, and not mention the welfare state that makes immigration such a problematic issue. Middle class.

But wait, there’s more. FedGov is going to legislate away sex discrimination. We know better than employers do how to compensate employees, so we’re going further dictate salary issues with respect to sex. Speaking of wages, we’re going to force businesses to fire employees they can’t afford. Government should be able to help the poorest Americans, who are all too stupid to make the decision to take a job making less money that we think they should accept. Let’s raise the minimum wage to $9 per hour! [cue applause].

(On to the military. Everyone loves that)

America will complete it’s never-defined mission, and fulfill her vague objectives in Afghanistan. Those goals will be completed here pretty soon, and I can now predict that that war will be over shortly.

We’re going to keep kicking terror ass, and killing those who want to expel our occupying forces. But I promise you, we’re going to do so in a way that reflect our values. We may kill Americans without trial, evidence, or oversight, but we will be transparent and follow the law while doing so.

Speaking of attacks, hackers re a problem, and it’s a frightening one. This issue is so serious that I signed another of those Executive Orders that I pretend grant me some ill-defined authority to do stuff I agree with.

We also need free trade, and if there’s one way to ensure such trade with our European partners, it’s with reams of government red tape.

America must remain a beacon of hope, and an example to the rest of the world. Government equals freedom. That’s our example. That’s what we can dictate to the world.

Syria has murdered its own people n a way somehow different than we do. This is terrible and cannot be tolerated. We must show the world the right way to murder one’s own citizens, lest the do it wrong. Middle class.

Men aren’t volunteering to go die for vague purposes in far away lands. Maybe women won’t shrink from the challenge. American women have proven themselves, and they are ready to go die for Big Government in pursuit of neocon goals. [Cue applause]

On to the gun issue…Newtown

We need to embrace changes and put forth common sense proposals that would not have done a thing to prevent the tragedy that served as the catalyst for this conversation. Criminals continue to ply their violent trade in places with the strongest gun control laws in the country. So we need more. In fact, in suggesting these new laws, I am ignoring the existing laws of the Constitution.You see, the law doesn’t matter nearly as much as feel good speeches and suggestions for legislation that won’t solve a thing. Climate change.

Goodnight. God bless you, God bless Climate change, and God bless the middle class of the United States of America.

Artus Register

A self-described "objectivist-leaning libertarian deist," Artus Register became a full fledged libertarian after the 2000 elections. An unapologetic freedom-lover, enemy of the state, trouble maker, and permanent subscriber to the "ain't a dime's worth of difference" ideology, Register enjoys few things more than illustrating the hypocrisy of the so-called "left" and "right." When not bellowing from his cyber soapbox, he enjoys Cuban tobacco, good whiskey, and better debate. He lives with his wife in the American southeast where he works as a privacy consultant. You can contact him, if you must, at minarchist[at]gmail.com.

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