GOP debate goes ‘westward ho’ with Las Vegas gala

From time to time, here at Hammer of Truth one of us will liveblog a debate or something. This is what it looks like.

On Tuesday October 18th, 2011 seven GOP candidates for president got on stage to once again lay into each other in the new public blood sport democratic process of of getting to know our next commander in chief. From left to right on the stage were Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Herman Cain, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich and Michele Bachmann. John Huntsman boycotted and ultimately shot himself in the foot. Gary Johnson was once again not invited because if there are two libertarians on stage that might start making it seem normal and we can’t have that.

The order is chronological, which I did drunk so there’s probably mistakes in it. Onward!

20:18EST Starting out, Herman Cain gets beat up by Rick Perry and the rest of the stage in a ham-fisted attack on 9-9-9. Ron Paul Says replace the income tax with nothing to loud cheers. Then he keeps talking and messes up all that enthusiasm.

20:19EST Cain responds by saying that no one understands the plan and is comparing apples and oranges, invites everyone to “do your own calculations with that arithmetic”. Apples and oranges should definitely not be mixed. Herman Cain is harboring irrational hatred against apples, or oranges… can’t be sure yet. He knows they want his precious branding ability.

20:21EST Romney wants to get America growing, lots of nice platitudes. He knows that they know that he doesn’t have the precious.

20:23EST Gingrich just laughs at how badly this is going for Cain. “If you take his plan and go through it step by step, there are much more complexities than Herman lets on.”

20:24EST Bachmann explains how screwed up we are in her high pitched whiney voice. She will never be let near the White House. She would destroy all the fine crystal with that voice during the first meeting she found out that this country is actually run by inept alien ant people.

20:25EST Perry wants to get the resources “right under our feet” because aparently America will recover not by inventing new products, but by mining. Romney swoops in and tries to steal the thunder and redirect to manufacturing. Perry is such a dolt on economics compared to Romney it’s not even a contest.

20:27EST Santorum will save manufacturing by saying manufacturing a lot, calls out Romney on crummy track record. Romney says: hey, I wrote a book.
AND THEN THEY SHOUTED AT EACH OTHER! “LA LA LA, ROMNEY SUCKS, LA LA LA, SANTORUM CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

Pretty sure Santorum has decided on Romney as his campaign murder/suicide pact.

20:32EST Gingrich draws blood on Romneycare with actual facts on federal aid. Romney almost mad. Romney raising voice.

20:35EST Bachmann throws in her whiney two cents, everyone pretty much covers their ears until commercial break.

{COMMERCIAL BREAK/BEER RUN}

20:40EST Paul would throw out Obamacare, yep. The crowd ate that up, as you can guess.

20:36EST Went to get the first beer (Hammer of Truth is not sponsored by Blue Moon Brewing Co., but we’d like to be). I’m planning on drinking every time they ignore Paul. I will probably compare apples and oranges against Cain’s wishes somewhere along the line.

20:83EST Perry called Romney a hypocrite to his face about hiring illegals. Not sure he’s right about that, but Romney got understandably pissed off raised voice with the appropriate amount because Perry won’t shut his yap. Romney: “You have a problem letting people speak!”

What a dumb fight, Romney is getting beat up because his lawn care company hired some undocumented workers. Can’t see how that’s really on him. Perry is grasping at straws.

20:46EST Cain won’t apologize to Anderson for electrified border fence remarks. These are BOLD IDEAS. Electric fences, people. Boots on the ground, Perry ups the ante with MOTHERFUCKING PREDATOR DRONES. We’re going to shoot hell fire missiles at border jumpers. Bachmann says build TWO fences. I don’t think any of them have heard about South Park.

Boots on the ground, boots on the ground!
A realistic border plan is 404 not found.

Perry has pretty much stuck his boot in his mouth going after Romney so terribly.

20:53EST Ron Paul trying to steer the border issue into elevating human rights over nationalism and not really sticking the landing.

Interesting side note: Not a single mention of Fast and Furious gun scandal by any of the candidates. Not a single damn mention.

20:56EST Perry failing at attacking Romney, decides to take a swipe at Anderson. Paraphrased Perry: “You ask the questions the way you want and I’ll answer them how I want.” Cooper: “That’s actually not an answer, that’s a response” Oh snaaaaaaaaap.

21:00EST Paul says let’s secure the U.S. borders by bringing the troops home. Gets lots of applause and sour looks from everyone on stage.

21:03EST Paul on nuclear waste “don’t want the garbage in their state.” Romney says Paul is right. Perry says Paul is right. I’ve only had one beer so I can’t possibly be drunk yet. They actually acknowledge he’s right? Put that in the campaign commercials.

21:06EST Santorum is doing all the swinging tonight. Calls out Perry on taking TARP money. Cain admits he supported TARP, but now he’s against it. Bachmann whines about housing foreclosures and women losing their nests. She then squawked and laid an egg on stage.

21:10EST Cain doubles down on telling Occupy Wall Street protesters to get a job. Saying Wall Street isn’t the problem, the White House/Washington is.

Paul says Cain is blaming the victims, says go blame the Federal Reserve. Bailout supported by both parties, bailed out big banks and corporations. “MIDDLE CLASS GOT STUCK.” He’s pretty much dropping an economic policy education on Cain, who responds with pithy joke asking if the CEOs should come down and write the protesters a check.

21:14EST Romney blast Obama for not campaigning? Sure, why the fuck not.

{COMMERCIAL BREAK/BEER RUN}

21:19EST Okay, pounding a second Blue Moon. Seriously guys, sponsorship opportunities here.

21:20EST Santorum is finally being made to squirm because he said some nasty stuff about Mormons, he’s playing nice now. Gingrich talks about faith, Perry talks about faith. Blah blah blah, we all know politicians sacrifice goats under a full moon to the dark prince Satan to get their powers.

Was hopeful for a minute that when Romney said “I’ve heard worse” that he was going to tell a joke. Damn.

21:25EST Audience question about whether defense spending cuts should be made. Bachmann brings up assassination attempt by Iran (really?) as disrespecting the US. Haha, we’ll show them about disrespect under Bachmann. Saber rattling at Iran, but she’d cut defense spending in Libya and Africa because nobody cares about Africa and she knows it won’t hurt hurt to run out the clock talking about getting out of some bullshit empire countries who pose no threat to America in the terrorism sense because Blackwater better pick up the slack you global corporate empire whores, pay for your own pipeline wars. Damn, my cynicism sense knows no bounds.

Bachmann needs to go back to bilking the taxpayers with her anti-gay AA and let the adults get America’s nose out of the rest of the world’s ass without sounding like a Minnesota soccer mom who’s realized her husband is despondent and gay and that her self esteem is tied to public worth, but still keeps taking fuckloads of pills because reality sucks.

Gingrich says we’ll all shoot ourselves in the head and shoot ourselves in the leg. The violent rhetoric just permeates these debates. He says politicians are illiterate (which is true, because none of them read bills). “I’m a hawk, but a cheap hawk” I honestly didn’t realize being a comedian was now a requirement for being president.

Anderson says Paul proposed cutting a bunch of stuff, crowd goes WILD. Paul will cut defense spending in Korea, Japan, Germany. “We’re broke.” “To cut military spending is a wise thing to do… we have an empire we can’t afford.”

21:31EST Cain would you negotiate with terrorists? Um, yeah maybe. Oh wait, no… that sounds bad. But you know, maybe.

21:33EST Santorum saber-ratting at Iran and islam and that’s why they attack here.

Paul says we have enough weapons to blow up the world 20-25 times. AMERICA FUCK YEAH. Yeah, we could probably afford to cut defense spending.

Perry says de-fund the UN. THAT WILL SHOW THEM UN TERRISTS!

[Fun fact, we’ve actually already defunded them in part by simply not paying our dues. We’re the deadbeat empire.]

21:36EST Romney’s cut domestic spending first approach seems to going over well. Paul retorts saying we give money from poor Americans to rich foreigners. Promises no foreign at all. Israel is dependent on US. Bachmann gives a reversal, saying we should give money to Israel… to scary loud cheers. She also picked up on Herman Cain negotiating with terrorists, he gets the redirect and immediately trips over his tongue.

21:40EST Ron Paul reminds everyone that Reagan negotiated with Iranian terrorists, asks if anyone will condemn Reagan. Gingrich is the only one who steps up and calls it a mistake.

{COMMERCIAL BREAK/BEER RUN PRESENTED BY YEUNGLING}

21:45EST Santorum basically admits that the only reason he’s still in the race is because no one knows who the fuck the candidates are (less than 50%). Technically he’s right, except it’s funny when you google his name to find out who he is. Honestly sounds more like he’s trying to convince himself about his chances than the audience.

21:48EST Perry and Romney trade barbs over raw jobs numbers. Perry tries to sound smart with some 20K number, refuses to acknowledge Texas has 4x as many people as Mass.

Cain ties Romney to Wall Street, sets self on Main Street… they then make out because they are actually both Wall Street.

21:52EST Bachmann brightens everyone’s day by squawking that Obama is a one-termer. The Newt dog closes it out by agreeing.

21:53EST Debate over. Ron Paul walks out into the parking garage and gets shoved into an unmarked van, but everything turns out okay!

Stephen VanDyke

I've published HoT along with about 300+ friends since 2002. We're all Americans who are snarky and love our country. I'm a libertarian that registered Republican because I like to win elections. That's pretty much it.

1 Comment
  1. Michele
    Bachmann and her husband are both very far out. Not good for the U.S. She is
    running on her own “gay agenda” platform. We are closing schools, laying people
    off. Families are being foreclosed on and being put out in the streets. And all
    this Republican running for President and her husband can do is talk about is
    “praying away the gay”. It is a good money maker for her, but we have bigger
    things to do, and I am hopping God has too. If you or your church has the gay
    agenda on your mind, all the time you may need to set down and talk with
    someone. We need to start looking at what is best for the country. Not our own
    religion’s views, that blow in the wind.