Political Corruption Bowl Question: How can you differentiate the players if both teams wear the same colors?

corruptionbowl.gifPartially because one of my better friends just launched his SB Nation site, I’m starting to think about upcoming football season. I expect he’ll attract the attention of a lot of gay Kansas City Chiefs fans with a blog named “Arrowhead Pride” — but that’s not point of this posting.

I was thinking about football when I read this article, so my mind was on offensive plays as I started typing.

Right now, on the gridiron of political corruption, the GOP Elephants seem to hold a narrow lead over the DNC Donkeys. The Donkeys haven’t been able to put together a decent offensive team since they lost their star player years back.

In the first quarter, Randy “Duke” Cunningham (not to be confused with the vastly superior Randall Cunningham) was handed the $2.4 million dollar ball by quarterback Mitchell Wade. As he ran the ball down the field, the crowd held up lava lamps while performing the “Duke Stir” wave. Upon making his touchdown, Cunningham engaged in his traditional form of goal line celebration by opening a bottle of champagne. At the end of the first quarter, the score was GOP 7, DNC 0.

The second quarter came to life as DNC quarterback Richard Scrushy made a $500,000 pass at receiver Don Siegelman. Siegelman caught the ball in the end zone. If he spends time in prison with all the perpetrators of victimless crimes incarcerated under his watch, he’ll probably continue catching stuff in his end zone. At the end of the first half, the score was tied at seven.

The halftime show was pretty boring, so I managed to slip off to the party suite level just in time to catch next season’s potential quarterbacks Hillary Clinton and John McCain doing vodka shooters together. I paused to wonder what would happen if both teams wore the same color jerseys. It would be sort of tough to tell them apart.

The third quarter was pretty exciting. During the DNC’s first possession, William Jefferson kicked a $400,000 field goal — giving the Donkeys a three point lead. Jefferson had to be taken off the after his kick, though. Team doctors Pfeffer and Jackson told the press that Jefferson had broken his foot because the football was frozen solid. Jefferson is reported to have said the football felt like someone had “stuck it in a freezer.” Score: Elephants 7, Donkeys 10.

On following play, GOP special teams player Tom DeLay returned the kickoff, initially side-stepping one tackle attempt from Ronnie Earle. Following DeLay’s spectacular touchdown run, the Elephants went for the two-point conversion. What’s ironic is that DeLay suffered career-ending injuries during that play, but the GOP is still keeping him on the field. Score: Elephants 15, Donkeys 10.

Now came the part of the game where things got really funny. With so many players out of commission, they had to start playing a lot of second stringers. With all the unfamiliar names and faces out there, it was starting to get a bit confusing for the fans, officials and even the players. Then an official time out was called and they made some of the players swap jerseys with members of their opposing team. If you think that’s confusing, read this section from the article I linked at the beginning of this story:

Former N.C. Rep. Michael Decker admitted in federal court today receiving $50,000 and a legislative job for his son in exchange for supporting Jim Black for a third term as House speaker in 2003.

The former Forsyth County lawmaker, who switched parties from Republican to Democrat, pleaded guilty to a single of charge of conspiracy to extort, commit mail fraud and launder money.

He is to be sentenced Nov. 1. He could get five years in prison and a $250,000 fine.

The plea agreement read in court today said that Decker met with a Democratic House member to discuss the political deal, but the papers did not name that person. Later, Decker received an envelope containing $38,000 in checks and $12,000 in cash, court documents said. An unnamed Democratic House member delivered the money, whose source was unclear. A prosecutor said that much of the money went into Decker’s campaign account.

Decker’s support created a 60-60 split in the House, allowing Black to remain as co-speaker. Black, a Mecklenburg County Democrat, in 2003 entered into a power-sharing agreement with Republican Rep. Richard Morgan.

The score’s tight, the game’s still in the third quarter, and they are swapping jerseys in the middle of the game. I can’t predict who the winner will be in this year’s Corruption Bowl. I can predict the losers, though: You, me and every other decent and honorable American.

Stephen Gordon

I like tasteful cigars, private property, American whiskey, fast cars, hot women, pre-bailout Jeeps, fine dining, worthwhile literature, low taxes, original music, personal privacy and self-defense rights -- but not necessarily in this order.

  1. You forgot Ralph Reed. Former head of (LMAO) the Christian Coalition suffers crushing defeat in Republican primary for Lt. Governor of Georgia because of his love affair with Jack Abramoff. (HAH! Christian Coalition. Thats a good one!).

  2. And at season end, they play in the Toilet Bowl, because that’s where the taxpayers are headed.

  3. Naw… they go to club fed a nice cushy no walls day camp. Martha Stewart was guilty of insider trading, so they gave her a vacation without lemons… boohoo.

    Will the news media show him or any politician convicted walking into a jail or prison!? A real one? A dangerous, turn you into an even harder criminal prison?

  4. I’ve seen elephant play soccer. And there’s donkey basketball. The elephants, at least, seem to enjoy it. But I don’t personally enjoy any sport where so much importance is placed on making the other guy lose, and I certainly don’t want to feel like the football.

    Government is not a sport. (I think that’s implied.) It ought not to be anything more than the referee.