Minneapolis Declares “War On Undeath;” Jack Chick Creams Himself

They arrest the dead.

I know that there’s been a lot of bigotry against Undead-Americans lately, a lot of racial profiling. Apparently a lot of people are lumping them in with the terrorism crowd, too:

Six friends spruced up in fake blood and tattered clothing were arrested in downtown Minneapolis on suspicion of toting “simulated weapons of mass destruction.”

It’s an understandable overreaction; I mean, there were seven ghouls among the 9/11 hijackers, after all. We have to put our foot down as a nation at some point.

One group member said the “weapons” were actually backpacks modified to carry a homemade stereos and were jailed without reason. None of the six adults and one juvenile arrested have been charged.

“Given the circumstance of them being uncooperative … why would you have those (bags) if not to intimidate people?” said Inspector Janee Harteau. “It’s not a case of (police) overreacting.”

We had to arrest these people without charging them, you see. We’re in a war for the safety of America! Since Minneapolis isn’t terribly close to Gitmo, however, I’m sure they’ll just toss them in a foreign ship in Duluth and call it good.

In fact, we need to start rounding up the undead sympathizers here at home. We need to arrest any kids wearing black and listening to goofy angst music. I’d say we should probably chuck the remaining members of the Grateful Dead in Gitmo just to be safe.

Anything less and the zombies will win.

Stuart Richards

Stuart Richards is a 26-year-old land surveyor based out of Portland, OR. He is a left-leaning geolibertarian and (theologically) liberal Christian, and has been blogging on HammerofTruth.com and other libertarian sites since 2004.

  1. They needed to be stopped. Those zombies were after brains, which are obviously in short supply there. The police have to protect such limited resources.

  2. They were after brains. The cops had nothing to lose. ;-)

    What do we want?
    When do we want ’em?

    I love how the rest of the world is eating up the headline. The Minneapolis police are the laughing stock of the city.

    Stuart, cut your hair. Fat, hairy, and stupid is no way to go through life.

  3. The cops can’t arrest the real troublemakers, (drunks, panhandlers, and ‘brown people’), because they catch hell from the pinheads on the City Council.

    So, they’re arresting blue people. Minneapolis has become unsafe for the undead and Smurf tourism.

  4. This is just an excuse so they can start requesting records from Netflix and Blockbuster…

    If you’ve rented Dawn of the Dead, or even Shaun of the Dead, you could be a terrorist. If you’ve rented any of the Evil Dead series, you might even a Sam Raimi fan so let’s cross check that, and if you’ve also rented Spiderman, you might believe that “with great power comes great responsibility”, and thus you are a dangerous threat these days, as Bush clearly disagrees with you. :)

  5. They were riding the train into downtown. If you saw a group of people in identity-concealing makeup riding mass transit carrying bags with wires sticking out of them, you can’t tell me you wouldn’t be a bit afraid. Sorry folks, this is the day and age of bombings. These dumbsh*ts should get jobs and stop being losers.