DHS Warns of Crazy Domestic Flyer Terrorists

The Department of Homeland Security warned U.S. businesses of the threats they face from animal rights group and “eco-terrorists.” Laughable are the sinister tactics of them terrorists:

“organizing protests”
“flyer distribution”
“inundating computers with e-mails”
“tying up phone lines to prevent legitimate calls”
“sending continuous faxes in order to drain the ink supply from company fax machines”

That’s right. If the ink runs out of your fax machine, that means the terrorists have won.

To be fair, these groups have engaged in vandalism and arson, which DHS also warns of. But, c’mon. E-mail inundation is something a $40 billion security agency needs to worry about?

Well, at least they aren’t telling us to put plastic sheeting and duct tape over doors and windows any more (just kiddding, yes they are). And anyone want to hit this magazine PSA with the photoshop treatment? I loves me some mad libs.

15 Comments
  1. Laugh now while you can, because in the near future, the following phrase will get you labeled a “terrorist”:

    “I disagree with the current President and/or administration.”

    This will be especially true if Mrs. Bill Clinton manages to rest her hooves under the desk in the Oval Office.

    Hell, it may not take THAT long. In fact, I th- hey, someone’s banging on my doo

    BLAM BLAM BLAM

    “Department of Homeland Secu – oh, hell, Bill, you shot another one.”

    “Well, he was probably just one of those damned Constitutionalists, anyway… who’s up for a beer at Hooter’s?”

  2. This doesn’t really rise to the level of homeland stupidity required for me to mention it elsewhere. :) For instance:

    (U//FOUO) According to the FBI, animal rights extremists were responsible for several corporate attacks in 2005.

    (U//FOUO) Extremists in April crashed a U.S. company’s computer server by inundating it with e-mail and creating an estimated damage of $1.25 million.
    (U//FOUO) [Stop Huntingdon Animal Cruelty]’s Web site claimed that animal rights extremists in October used an auto-dialer to overwhelm the telephone service of a Delaware investment firm, which prevented customers from calling the firm and resulted in lost sales. The extremist actions stopped when the targeted company agreed to sell all of its [Huntingdon Life Sciences] stock.

    There’s more, but I hope you get the idea. These looney tunes are a bit beyond common vandals, and I’d expect to see a “be on the lookout” from law enforcement at some point.

  3. so does that mean that Pfizer is a terrorist organization, because they flood my mailspool with viagra ads?

  4. Tyson and Purdue are the real terrorist organizations for murdering billions of innocent animals every year. Proctor&Gamble is a terrorist organization for spraying toxins into the eyes of rabbits and other innocent creatures when they know full well what it will do to them.

    Oh, yeah, it’s ok to exploit and kill animals, that’s just fine. But when some animal rights activists try to stop the senseless murder of innocent beings they’re the trrorists. The anti-civilization rages on… now go eat your meat and continue to support murderous thugs.

  5. Sorry, but I refuse to defend people who put animals above or on the same level as humans. I eat meat and I’m not gonna stop because some PETA nutjob thinks it’s murder.

  6. It’s not murder if it’s going on my dinner plate.

    But PETA isn’t even bothering to eat the innocent animals it murders.

  7. Sorry, but I refuse to defend animals who put humans above or on some mysteriously higher level as animals.

    I’ve seen too many two-legged hulks of meat with eyes
    with less sense than a junkyard dog to fall for
    the idea that humans are not animals.
    It’s only those humans who choose not to act like animals
    that rate any deference.

    On the other hand, it is difficult to comprehend why
    the defense of animal rights is so important
    in the light of everything else that is going on.

    Seriously – which is more important –
    saving a few ferrets
    – or –
    ending governments’ various wars on people, environment, and sanity?

    Some of those folk have some highly unusual priorities.
    (sense of kinship, perhaps?)

  8. Can’t help it ;-)

    You murder millions of God’s innocent creatures
    every time you brush your teeth,
    perhaps you should stop that horrible practice?

    (One way to identify animal-rights fanatics – smell their breath)

    Exterminate Intolerance.

  9. History tells us that humans are so highly advance that they even eat other humans. Have you ever seen a bear eat another bear of the same species? If you can’t eat your own species how advance can you be?

  10. Lots of animals and even bugs cannibalize. The praying mantis and locusts are a top-of-my-head examples.

    So um, how much more advanced are they than us?

  11. homo sapiens sapiens is the only species to have lived that has adapted its environment to suit itself. All others have adapted to suit their environments.

    We are by no means anything other than animals, however. In a sense it could be stated that we have simply found a new method of evolution; ideological rather than biological. This is our greatest strength and our greatest weakness.

    In the end, however, this is the most significant statement: If the “Gaia theory” is correct, then humanity is its sole hope of acheiving immortality. But that is a conversation that belongs someplace other than this blog.

  12. Leroy

    yes, but I don’t see Tyson spam in my inbox. I see Pfizer spam and PETA spam. You may be right that Tyson is unethical, but at least they don’t add insult to injury by using infrastructure that was ultimately gained by coercion to throw shit I don’t want at me. Ethically, I’d say Tyson was higher in the food chain than PETA because PETA won’t get the hell out of my face while Tyson is happy just providing quality product at a decent price and letting me make the buying decision

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