…But at least I’m not a terrorist

They read your e-mail and learned that your friend needs to stop by and pick up that one-hitter he left at your house last weekend. They also know that your brother’s wife’s cousin is still having trouble dealing with homosexuality issues and that cousin Fran has had to file for bankruptcy. They caught the excuse you sent to your pastor for not being able to teach Sunday School next weekend and also know that it isn’t true because they also have your plane tickets to Vegas on file. What happens in Vegas no longer stays there, thanks to Uncle Sam.

They read the very personal e-mail you sent to your psychotherapist, as well as that humorous little nastigram you sent your spouse proposing that the two of you engage in some loving act of sodomy tonight — an act which is still illegal to perform in your state…

…but at least society is now safer because they know you’re not a terrorist.

As always, Russmo captured it perfectly:

Stephen Gordon

I like tasteful cigars, private property, American whiskey, fast cars, hot women, pre-bailout Jeeps, fine dining, worthwhile literature, low taxes, original music, personal privacy and self-defense rights -- but not necessarily in this order.

  1. Very funny.

    Just so some readers don’t get confused it should be clarified that humans read a very small percentage of all emails sent – it would be impossible. There are computer systems that scan email and will “red flag” any emails that contain certain words or phrases. These emails would then be read by a human to determain their threat. Not that having a computer read my email versus a human really makes me feel any better. Also, it probably would have been more valid had it been signed by the NSA, FBI, or CIA.

  2. Josh,

    So you are saying that this hypothetical e-mail one might send to their hypothetical therapist might not get flagged:

    I’m still having the affair with my secretary. We met at the TRAIN STATION yesterday. I live in TERROR every day that my wife will find out. I’m still too scared to DROP THE BOMB on her. She did shave her BUSH to try to entice me in the bedroom, but it just isn’t working. When I’m with my wife the feelings just aren’t there, but when I’m with my secretary, it feels like NUCLEAR BOMBS are going off in my heart.

  3. BTW, that last blog comment might get a few hits from sites with government registered IP addresses. :)

  4. Stephen,

    That one likely will get flagged (you don’t even need a Flash Gordon decoder ring to read between the lines on that one). I’ll be looking for SG in leaked secret documents when you don’t post here for a while and send a legal team to get you out :)

    On second read – you have quite the imagination.