President Bush has laid out his plan for Social Security reform, and the pundits on both sides are dissecting it to no end. If you’re not sure what the hell I’m talking about, you should probably read the Jive Cliff’s Notes version from Decadent West:, or better yet read the abridged
Niggas be getting old, and we finna fix the Nix checks fo we run outta bling. Chill, chill, chill. Don’t be . Nigga’s got his finga on the button. We skrate? Word. Ima throw out some chizange. 2018. 2027. 8 zeros. 2042. Niggas, we gon be broke. We finna privatize this bitch. Chill, chill, chill. Why you all trippin? Don’t you know G Double Uzzles rollin with a hot hand in the game of dice?
The best part was when G Dubs told everyone he was gonna “fix dat shit up” so everyone can still retire off the “gubmint cheese”, and then said “yo hold up my peeps ovah fitty fie, y’alls ain’ goan need to sweat. I gots yo backs, dig?” He then went on to ensure those under 55 that they would get “they ass propuh shanked in the showers” if they didn’t “stop frontin'” on his plan.
While Bush did fall short of promising a pony for everyone over 55, he didn’t go into detail concerning how privatization would actually repair Social Security. As our informants have found out, the reality is that the reform plan is to avoid massive cutbacks and deficits in the future . . . by cutting benefits and incurring massive deficits now. The Daily Show has excellent analysis of what exactly the pre-SOTU press conference laid out with Jon’s interview with Time Magazine’s Joe Klein:
Joe Klein: Here’s the cool thing about Social Security. Yesterday, before the speech, the White House explains it the “torters,” the private investment accounts, and here’s the way it works:
You put your money in your own private investment account. And then, when it’s time for you to retire, you give a whole lot of it back to the government so that they can dribble out little benefits to you that are the equivalent of Social Security as it now stands.
Jon Stewart: That’s really what this plan is?
Joe Klein: If you make more than a designated amount, you might get a little bit extra. Yes.
Jon Stewart: That’s it?
Joe Klein: It’s an annuity.
Jon Stewart: But here’s what I don’t understand…
Joe Klein: It’s really remarkable.
Jon Stewart: But how does that save Social Security? Because the government still has to dish out the same amount of money, no?
Joe Klein: Well, they’re going to lower our benefits it was they’re gonna actually do, and the President said he would last night.
Luckily, the White House is already hard at work. . .reforming the wording of the reform, and trying to get commentators to stop using the word “privatization”. Reason.com got a pleading email from the WH, “Every day, we fight reporters and Democrats for using the term ‘privatization’ b/c every poll worth its salt shows it frightens the public.” Their response: “Still, it’s true that the contributions, investment choices, and withdrawals all would be regulated, so Crist has a point. Maybe ‘forced, socialized savings accounts’ would be a better description, although I’m not sure how well it would poll.”
In related news, VP Dick Cheney is running around assuring everyone the reform will only cost a paltry $754 billion over the next 10 years and the low low low reform price of just “trillions more after that.”
The good news from DC is that the White House is finally reining in the federal budget by cutting all the pork out of the government and it will save us over $2.5 trillion dollars this year alone. Wait, I totally fucking read that wrong. Actually, the White House is pushing a $2.5 trillion dollar budget plan for 2006 that cuts out everything except pork. It’s good to see our elected official working hard to find and cut away the thin strips of fat and grisle near the government bone instead of the thick tasty insulating layer on the outside. We wouldn’t want to give up crucial multi-billion-dollar government programs like the Missile Defense Shield that doesn’t work in cloudy weather or anything.
Now there’s little reason to cry over entitlement programs being axed, but any fool is going to see through this and realize that the G Dubs is picking off the ticks and leaving the leeches.
Since this whole endeavor is becoming a pain in the ass for everyone not over 55, the fucked generation’s best hope may be just to opt out of Social Security altogether.