And now, the Shady Social Security Show

Social SecuritySocial Security Q&A from Fafblog.

Hey kids, now that Iraq has voted, it’s time to get back to the number one security issue facing Americans today: old people with no money who need yours. That’s right, we need you to drop out of school right now and start working, because Social Security is in a crisis, right now.

Q: Tell me more about this crisis in gritty detail!
A: The fireball is huge and loud and expensive and there is grinding guitar music on the soundtrack informing everyone that we are bad, bad dudes! The radiation turns all old people into very poor mutants who must scavenge and eat each other for food. Eventually the robots come: they are unstoppable. What has science done!
Q: I?Äôm scared! How can we avert this terrible future?
A: There?Äôs just one chance! We have to borrow trillions of dollars to finance transforming Social Security into a completely different system based on mandatory investments in preferred stocks.
Q: If we?Äôre borrowing trillions of dollars, and the government already owes trillions of dollars, and the Social Security crisis is a debt problem anyway, how does this help Social Security?
A: Quick we have to act fast! We only have twenty years to go!
Q: I thought we had forty years.
A: Now we have ten! It is a ticking bomb.
Q: Oh no! In these extreme circumstances we have to privatize Social Security!
A: If we don’t, the terrorists win.
Q: I?Äôll hold it down. You get the electrodes!
A: It?Äôs so crazy, it just might work!

Ha ha, just kidding, we love to fuck [with] you kids. No, we won’t be throwing your grandma out on the street just yet, in fact we have a plan that will save the world.

Q: Can I see your Social Security plan?
A: No you can?Äôt.
Q: Well, I?Äôd really like to, before I decide to?Ķ
A: Would you really like to see the plan? Would you really, really?
Q: Yes yes I would I would, ever so much!
A: Okay then! When you go to bed tonight dreaming of private investment accounts a maaaaagical train will pull up to your window, and a maaaaagical conductor will let you on board?Ķ
Q: Oh boy!
A: And the maaaaagical train will take you to the North Pole to see Social Security Santa with your very own eyes so you can believe.
Q: Oh wow, I?Äôd love that!
A: And he and his elves will give you your own private account which will last forever and ever. Would you like that?
Q: Yes I would, I would!
A: Well, you won?Äôt get it, ?Äòcause you didn?Äôt believe on your own!
Q: Oh no!
A: Get thee behind us! No Social Security for you!

But seriously… Bush has been pimping this secret plan for almost two months now, and nobody knows what the fuck it is! All we know is that it’s supposed to save Social Security (which is in a crisis, right fucking now, OMG!), and we should trust the same government that can’t budget ahead properly for one year to fix the one disaster of Social Security that they have no real clue when it will go broke. Pardon me for laughing at the obvious irony.

Frankly, as a libertarian, I’d like the option to just skip out on this whole ponzi scheme Social Security thing. But barring that, maybe they could convert my “personal account” into euros before frittering it away in the next Enron or Worldcom investment.

Stephen VanDyke

I've published HoT along with about 300+ friends since 2002. We're all Americans who are snarky and love our country. I'm a libertarian that registered Republican because I like to win elections. That's pretty much it.

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