The Imminent Assassination of Kim Jong-il

I got this as an email attachment from my good friend Jayson Blair. By good friend, I of course mean I intend to kick him in the gut the next time I see him. He still thinks he is important in the world of journalism, yet he writes this wretched pap:

cheney in seoulVice President Dick Cheney is back from his recent visit to China where he has been discussing Sino-American relations and the question of how to “effectively penetrate the North Korean border to help the people [die faster].” Cheney cleared the air when he met with China, demanding that they either “resume diplomatic relations with [intent to remove] Kim Jong-il [and take over North Korea], or America will step in [and do the dirty deed ourselves…]. [W]e’re […] willing to accept brutal dictators and murderous tyrants [but only if they’re on our team and in good standing with Fortune 500],” Cheney indubiously shared fresh intelligence with China, and to put the ball in motion (and admitted it was a faux pas to fax intelligence directly from the Whitehouse). Cheney then flew to Seoul, where he has been keeping a close eye (on Halliburton activity) on the border. Should China fail at diplomacy, Cheney has hinted that he will (assume control of the border and order tactical nukes to be fired at Pyongyang after which he will maybe) pressure Japan and South Korea to step in (and launch more nukes). Close aids have said that “[h]e gets a kick out of a seeing the border [being nuked] through a pair of binoculars.”

The Bush administration (cabal) won’t need to get congressional approval to start dropping bombs, since the Korean war never officially ended:

North and South Korea are still technically at war, after never signing a formal truce in the 1950-53 Korean War.

China this weekend invited (lured) Kim Jong-il to Beijing, where (he will die) meet with Chinese ambassadors. (An assassination) The meeting would work well for China’s image (in Taiwan). Officials hope they will be able to convince Jong-il to leave peacefully (or die fighting), but it’s unlikely, as he’s proven to be obstinant (like Bush; Odds are he’s a dead man). Many groups are looking forward to seeing Jong-il removed (from life). They (deny any pretense of) reason that North Korea has nuclear weapons that could be fired (in 15 minutes notice) at the United States and that Kim (is fucking crazy and) would pose an immediate threat to South Korea with his weapons of mass destruction (related program activites), or that he could sell them to Al Qaida (or the IRA, or the gays).

As early as September 2003, China has been building up it’s military at NK’s border in an aggressive stance that could mean cooler relations or a sincere need to secure the border of it’s poorest neighbor. 150,000 Chinese troops have been position at the border of it’s ally(, with weapons and technology on loan from Bush and the Clinton administration before him). In contrast, there are only 37,000 US military in South Korea, which has been at war with the north for 51 years. President George W. Bush was quoted in a recent press conference: “China is willing to aid the US in this endeavour, they assure us that the DPRK will be stabilized and secure should Jong-il seek asylum in some other country.” He went on to say that “if China wishes to intervene [and pacify it’s evil neighbor], we will not stand in the way.” The Chinese government has been reportedly stocking it’s strategic oil reserves in recent months. One Huang university professor said that the move was in order to “compete with world demand and ensure that China has the same access to oil imports as other first-world countries [without debt problems], like America”. Some analysts contend that once China starts growing and demanding (SUVs and air-conditioning for a) better standard of life, oil prices may go up dramatically.

Said Michael Moore of the Bush administration, “[T]hey aren’t completely stupid, they know that this is the kind of thing that will take eyes away from whatever troops are being killed in Iraq over a failed war […] [Once] things settle down in Asia [thanks to the skillful diplomacy of the U.S.], the next obvious target is Iran [clerics who should know better than to f**k with the U.S.].”

Washington policy wonks speculate that North Korea could be just a distraction, which would be followed by many more, and that when one story is finished, the Bush administration has already moved on to tighten the noose on a fresh threat. Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry attacked Bush’s foreign policy, calling it irresponsible, and “by the time anyone realizes what’s happened in North Korea, we’ll be swimming in terrorism from Kabul to Baghdad, and Pyongyang won’t be a threat.” Cheney responded, saying “of course they won’t be a threat, they will be liberated of their doomed leader, and they will welcome us as liberators.”

Former president Jimmy Carter spoke to Newsweek, adding “many [in Baghdad] who have been bombed will start to see bin Ladin as a savior instead of the terrorist sh*t-eyes that he is […] Shiites will go completely bonkers while generals bark orders to kick in doors and search homes and nervous soldiers will shoot anything that moves, only to retreat to bases increasingly targeted by hit-and-run attacks.” Bush responded to the former president by asking for more “bullets and soldiers”, claiming he could “fool the enemy into dying faster [than us].”

“We are Changing of the World” Bush said in a live press conference. “We bring [economic] freedom and [consumer] good[s]will to opressed people of North Korea […] We provided [bad] intelligence on North Korea to China in exchange for a [Taiwan] free [of commies and a] country that can prosper and trade with it’s neighbor to the South.” Bush signed the SERVE USA Act last week under pressure from rising military attrition and falling enlistments. The bill was passed 78-22, with many complaining that it has been rushed through in eerie similarity to the USA PATRIOT Act, which was passed shortly after September 11, 2001.

Now come on, certainly Jayson doesn’t think I won’t check into these things and find out that he completely made that shit up about Cheney enjoying nukes through binoculars. Hell, it’s common knowledge that Cheney is a man with a bad heart (hoo hoo, certainly a pun could have been worked in there) who can’t take much excitement. But I’ll be sure to give him a proper clobbering when I see him, as he has besmirched my integrity with his awful attempt at “prophetic journalism” or whatever the hell he calls it when he completely makes shit up on a whim.

Stephen VanDyke

I've published HoT along with about 300+ friends since 2002. We're all Americans who are snarky and love our country. I'm a libertarian that registered Republican because I like to win elections. That's pretty much it.

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