Ridge Issues new Terror Alert: Killer Cyborg Puppies

So, Tom Ridge has issued another terror alert, and we should all pay heed to it. I got ahold of this advance transcript of the press conference where he announced the renewed call for vigilance and for everyone to be on the lookout for suspicious activity.

Q. Is there any indication when a terrorist attack might take place?
Ridge: There is are a lot of chatter indicating that it will take place in the future.

Q. Does al Qaida have a time machine?
Ridge: I won’t speculate on that now, we simply don’t have enough information on that. It is possible that al Qaida has a time machine, and we are doing everything we can to counter that possibility. I urge all Americans past and present to be vigilent.

Q. Is there any specfic days or events that we should be watchful of?
Ridge: Again, I won’t speculate on what our intelligence may lead to, but suffice to say there’s been some chatter. Also, the elections are taking place in the future. We have not ruled out elections in the past though. Or time machines. We’re still investigating al Qaida ties to the 1972 DNC riots. [ed- Ridge may not know his history, the Chicago took place in 1968. Maybe he has a grudge against McGovern, or maybe McGovern used a time machine to incite the riots in 1968]

Q. Is al Qaida planning on attacking during the elections?
Ridge: They are in the future, so that hasn’t een ruled out. But again, we are exploring all possible scenarios, including possible al Qaida targetting of past elections. There are strong indicators that lead us to wonder if the hanging chads in Florida might have been an al Qaida plot. We are also investigating Al Gore.

Q. Are you suggesting that Al Gore is a terrorist?
Ridge: It’s possible, we haven’t ruled anything out.

Q. Is there any indication of where a terrorist attack might take place?
Ridge: There is a lot of chatter that leads us to believe it will take place somewhere.

Q. Could you be more specific?
Ridge: The attacks may come tommorrow or next week, or not at all. But we encourage everyone to be on the lookout for vaguely threatening looking people in the future and report them to us.

Q. A lot has been said in the past, but there have often been no releases of how terrorists may plan to attack us. Do you have any information on what methods may be used in this terror attack we are being warned of?
Ridge: Time machines, that explode. But maybe not, we certainly have a lot of chatter, but we don’t have any idea what it means, so whatever you ask next I’ll choose as as our basis for how the attacks may unfold.

Q. What about attacking with puppies? Is there any indication of that.
Ridge: We are investigating the possibility, but we can’t draw any conclusions at this time, however, we would like everyone to be on alert for cute fluffy puppies working in conjunction wil al Qaida.

Q. Do you realize how vague that sounds?
Ridge: We take the puppy threat very serious and we encourage everyone to be on the lookout for them.

Q. What about puppies and time machines?
Ridge: You’re good. We’ll definitely look into all scenarios that al Qaida may use to attack, and we will not rule out anything, we have people poring over communications and chatter on a daily basis thwarting attacks on the homeland.

Q. If a puppy went back in time, would it have to be a cyborg?
Ridge: We’re not sure of that, but we suggest everyone in the past be vigilant and alert for murderous cyborg puppies if they planning to attack in this manner. One more question, Rick?

Q. How dangerous are these cyborg puppies?
Ridge: We can’t underestimate al Qaida again. This includes their use of cold-blooded cyborg puppies that could or could not attack in the past and wipe out civilization. We encourage anyone with information to call us at 1-800-NOT-A-CLU if you see any puppies acting strangly. Thank you for your time.

Ridge’s Ruffled [Slate]

1 Comment
  1. Tom Ridge terror interview
    So, Tom Ridge has issued another terror alert, and we should all pay heed to it. I got ahold of this advance transcript of the press conference where h…

%d bloggers like this: