Department of Faith: Transcript from the Future

Subway poster, Department of Faith

[Below is a transcript from a Department of Faith marriage class that was recorded in February of 2008. The location has been left out and instructor’s name changed due to concerns of possible reprisal against the citizen journalist who brought us this report.]

“Hello everyone and welcome to the marriage planning class. My name is Saul, your government appointed counselor from the Department, here to teach you about the process of getting married. But first, I want to start with a prayer to the Almighty, thanking him for bringing us here today.” [At this point, we all stood up and joined hands. There were a lot of nervous looks but very little hesitation.]

“Father God, in the name of Jesus Christ, we pray for the United States of America. Father, we ask that You graciously impart and release to the people and leaders of America Your Integrity, Truth, Holiness, Purity, Anointing, Righteousness, Healing, Restoration, Joy, Love, and Wisdom. We thank You for the great prophetic heritage that is within this land. We proclaim that which has been prophesied: The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness. Father, we thank you for the extravagant beauty of the land and the people, which bring peace, love and joy to all who come for rest. Father, we ask that Your Will be done, and that You come to rule and reign in the hearts of the people of America. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Father, we plead the blood of Jesus over the land and the people of America for Your glory alone! Amen!”

“I want to get everyone up to speed on the new requirements that you will have meet if you’d like to get married and stay married, it may sound difficult and tedious, but please understand that this is for your own good. After all, I’m from the government, and I can attest to knowing what’s good for you.” [laughter from group]

“Great, we’ll start with the prerequisites.”

“First and foremost, you must both be human, you can call him or her an animal later, but for now we have to make sure you really aren’t one”. [looks around room, nervous laughter]

“Excellent. Now, both of you must be of the opposite gender, of the legal age of 18, and should be mentally competent.”

“If one or both of you are physically handicapped, you may still be allowed to marry under the condition that the healthy partner is able to satisfy the couple’s financial needs or there is a substantial dowry, that the couple is able to procreate and that the couple has the financial means to support a family. I’ll talk more on financial requirements later.”

“Let’s move on to the engaging matters shall we?” [light laughing at bad pun]

“First of all, before you are even engaged, you may not have had sex or engaged in other promiscuous activity or you will not qualify for your full joint-tax vouchers and refunds. This includes vaginal, anal, oral sex or even kissing. There are government screeners who are trained to determine this by polygraphs and physical examination, our success rate is high and if you are caught perjuring yourself you will be expunged from the process and may be subject to fines or imprisonment.”

“Please keep in mind that you are under oath during all examinations and requests for a marriage license.”

“Once you are engaged, you still may not have sexual relations, but you may be allowed to kiss your partner. Engagements should last for no less than six months in order that you fully get to know your partner and future spouse, and to remove the possibility of aborted marriages, or divorces as we used to call them.”

“Now that you have been engaged for the cooling off period, you will more than likely want to get married… congratulations, you are halfway there.”

“You will need to file for permanent union with the federal government, undergo a blood test, another physical examination, a mental competency evaluation, and a complete background and credit check. You will also have to confirm your religious faith in a higher being. These usually take between a week and three months, depending on the demand in your area.”

“Once you have been approved for marriage by the government, you will meet before a state approved religious board consisting of a demographic spectrum of your area, who will accept or reject your request. Since the government does not interfere with the board due to the first amendment separation of church and state, there is no arbitrating or appealing their decision.”

“Now that you have made it this far, congratulations and wedding plans are in order.”

“You may choose to hold your wedding at a government approved religious facility or church, or you may hold it at a location of your choice, pending approval by the religious board. May I just say that the latter is more time-consuming and is usually not worth the effort as our Department of Faith approved facilities are quite suitable to any occasion large or small.”

“You may choose to write your own vows, however this is discouraged as they must also go through the approval process and may be rejected if they do not meet certain moral standards.”

“After the wedding, you may choose to conduct your honeymoon at our lovely government hotel in Hawaii, where Department of Faith employees will help you adapt to married life while reiterating the standards of monogamy our nation has passed into law.”

“Great job, you’ve gotten married and consumated your love… now let’s move on to the obvious question of children. A post-wedding faith counselor or government approved religious leader can inform you of the financial and moral requirements and act as your guide so I won’t go into much detail. However, should an unapproved pregnancy occur, you will be expected to carry it to term and will be left with adoption services if you are still unable to get approval.”

“Now let’s examine some of the what-ifs of your marraige. Like ‘What if things are difficult and we don’t get along, or we find that it’s not working out?’, or ‘What if my spouse cheats on me?’, or ‘What if my husband gets fat and ugly?’. The simple answer is: too bad.” [laughter] “Just kidding.”

“The reality is that this should not be an issue due to the careful screening and the engagement process, but mistakes do occur, though they are rare. You will need to file a petition of anullment within one year to speak with your state faith board, however this is a long and involved process and most couples decide that staying together is the more pleasing choice.”

“Well, thanks for attending the Department of Faith’s marriage counseling class, I’m sorry I took up so much of your time and I wish you well in your future married life. Should you have any questions, you can visit our website at www.marriage.gov or visit the Department of Faith at www.dof.gov.”

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