Dean: Flip Out!

Dean, buddy, pal… you lost. Get over it homey, you’re not going to the White House, and Kerry is already saying “Howard who?” when your people prank call them to ask if he needs a VP. Think about it man, it’s not that you are a bad guy, it’s just that you really freak a lot of people out who aren’t too wild about the idea of replacing a batshit crazy Republican president with… well you.

Now don’t take it too hard, I mean you showed that you’re a pretty cool guy and wanted to get rid of Bush; Hell, you stood up and became a front man for everyone who was against that terribly ignorant Iraq war, kudos for that. The internet latched onto you and vaulted you to heroic status as someone who will be listened to. Unfortunately, when those people aren’t reading Daily Kos or CalPundit, they are looking at porn [nsfw] or updating their blog with links to badger badger badger or some link they found on Fark. Not that I’m anyone to talk of course.

The only problem is that you appealed to all the internet anti-war minions and forgot that 90% of America doesn’t blog everyday (I made that up, but it sounds plausible). And once they realized that you were not the hero they sought, they dropped you like a bad All Your Base joke. Oh sure, you’re career as Internet cliche may live on as a YEAAAAARGH joke for a few more months and possibly past the general election, but face it bub, YEAAAAARGH doesn’t get you many votes from Iowans (who I’ve heard on good authority, don’t even have electricity, much less the Internet).

So what are you going to do? I mean, you could probably mope through another 3 months of primaries, watching your numbers shrink until even Al Sharpton is shaking his head in disgust, or you could do what any crazy left-liberal candidate should do when it’s clear the road is blocked and they still have millions in the bank: Flip Out!

Flip out man, go crazy nuts, perhaps start quoting Mr. T at your rallies: “I pity da fool who votes for Bush”. Now, by flip out I do not mean self-destruct and bring down the whole anti-war movement, ignore everyone you have previously debated and realize the what your Internet constituency truly hates: war. Now focus on Bush and don’t hold back: call him names (warmongering monkey boy works well for some), make shit up (he drowns babies and old people in oil), no one’s going to care (except the usual apologists), they will know that you have FLIPPED OUT! Trust me, the Internet loves a man who flips out and attacks the establishment.

Now, eventually, you are going to run out of campaign money, or some pro-war thugs are going to beat you up or something, regardless the end result will be that your campaign is finally over. When that day comes, don’t kill yourself or anything (not like you would), instead give a ring to the EFF and see if they’ll take you on as a consultant, then send select emails to some of the larger blogs and Leftist publications and see if you can’t write op-eds for them (since most newspapers will probably not return your calls). You will now have established yourself as an internet icon for life, invite your friend Al Gore to write about how he invented the Internet and explain how he figured out the intricacies of packet switching. Oh, and don’t flip out any more after you concede.

Stephen VanDyke

I've published HoT along with about 300+ friends since 2002. We're all Americans who are snarky and love our country. I'm a libertarian that registered Republican because I like to win elections. That's pretty much it.


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