Ego Tangent

I’m the first to admit that I’m crass, bold, outspoken, sometimes irritating, mostly charming and funny and anything but humble. I like to step into the limelight and I sometimes have an arrogant aire to me.

Then again, you probably already knew that from reading this site. However, I have come to realize that wearing these qualifications as a badge of honor comes off as highly offensive to many people, and even snobbish. Me, a snob, the irony kills me. My goal in life is not to place myself on a pedestal above everyone else, or even to become greater or better than anyone (although each person has delusions of grandeur). My ultimate goal is not to amass great wealth or write scores of books for my own edification; it is to help society transform into something more than corporate empires and entertainment vacuums. I believe in theories regarding the predictability of future events based on mathematics and recurrences, and I share my thoughts on these subjects as I feel fit (in proper environments of course). Because I talk about such things, I am immediately dismissed as having my head in the clouds, or some kind of crazy holistic person who read too much Nostradamus.

Let me set the record straight on this matter since I realize potential employers, recruiters and people who just happened to find this site via a link are reading this: I’m not an egomaniac. I’m most certainly not funny and witty twenty-four hours a day. I’m not an expert on every detail of the Universe, hell I barely understand half the theories I come up with myself. Some days I wish I wasn’t smart at all, just some guy who works a shovel all day or picks up litter with a sharpened stick. Sometimes being civilized just doesn’t seem worth it, because I want to break out of the system of structured existence. After all, I do not want my future to be one of working hard all my life, saving my pennies, buying a house, getting married, having kids, throwing bar-b-q parties, retiring, moving to Florida and dying. It’s too cliche, and too tame for my taste.

Some would say that what I lack is religion, or spirituality. I agree with them, yet conventional religion and theology does not satiate my desires and merely leaves me with meaningless structure and rules that follow fascist logic. Buddhism and Taoism are a few religions which come close, yet they still lack the underpinning knowledge that I strive to seek. But I digress… religion is only part of the topic at hand. The main focus of my dissertation today my ego. Let’s move on.

I have a large ego, or rather, I used to have a large ego. You see, being unemployed is a great way to humble oneself. The realization that life will continue without you is a disappointment at first, followed by relief, followed by fear and uncertainty, followed by anger and resentment, followed by some depression sprinkled with desperation. This all occurs in the span of about fifteen minutes and drags on until you come to your senses and realize you need to go get a job or else you’ll be living on the street. So you dust off your resume, sign up for a half-dozen job sites, wonder why the hell you ever wanted to be a computer geek when you could have sold your art paintings years ago, look at said paintings and laugh at yourself for conceiving such a thought and zing your digital employment history into infinity.

Then you wait for eternity.

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