Warren Buffett is Hank Reardon (genius millionaire)

11:56AM – Warren Buffett has written an article: Dividend Voodoo in the Washington Post lambasting the tax cuts proposed by Bush and signed into law today by a 50-51 vote (Cheney cast the tie-breaking vote). In his article he states clearly the consequences:

The Senate’s plan invites corporations — indeed, virtually commands them — to contort their behavior in a major way. Were the plan to be enacted, shareholders would logically respond by asking the corporations they own to pay no more dividends in 2003, when they would be partially taxed, but instead to pay the skipped amounts in 2004, when they’d be tax-free. Similarly, in 2006, the last year of the plan, companies should pay double their normal dividend and then avoid dividends altogether in 2007.

He goes on to say that who will end up paying for this:

In other words, if I get a break, someone else pays. Government can’t deliver a free lunch to the country as a whole. It can, however, determine who pays for lunch.

Definitely worth a read. Truly an icon fighting against America’s New Socialism Deal.

I called up my credit card company and set about to fix my account so that it better reflects how the US government manages it’s debt/credit. Here’s how it went:

“I’m increasing my spending limit to oh… a million dollars or so. And by the way, I don’t think I’ll be paying as much monthly anymore, so you guys need to lower my payment to three dollars a month. Oh and I think I’m going to max out my card in a year by helping my buddies pay off their credit cards, so we’re going to have this conversation again pretty soon and I’ll probably need to bump my limit up to about three million or so.”



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A message from Hermann Goering

6:27PM – Sorry for the lack of updates, my laptop died and I need to get a new hard drive. And it’s not really a priority since I don’t even have a desk at my new place in Atlanta.

Anyways… I figured I would post a short weblog entry to let everyone know I’m not dead or missing. And to gloat that I am so-far correct in my previous assesment of the news content/quality. Now that Iraq is done and over, I want to share a qoute from Hermann Goering that I snagged from Snopes. History repeats itself when it’s intentionally ignored:

We got around to the subject of war again and I said that, contrary to his attitude, I did not think that the common people are very thankful for leaders who bring them war and destruction.

“Why, of course, the people don’t want war,” Goering shrugged. “Why would some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best that he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece. Naturally, the common people don’t want war; neither in Russia nor in England nor in America, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship or a Parliament or a Communist dictatorship.”

“There is one difference,” I pointed out. “In a democracy the people have some say in the matter through their elected representatives, and in the United States only Congress can declare wars.”

“Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country.”

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3:47PM – I went to a biker rally this on Sunday, the money went to a veteran’s fund which is supposed to help the families of military men and women who go off to these war to uhh, protect our freedoms or whatever the hell the excuse is this week. I decided to wear my Get Your War On t-shirt just to confuse people. Those who knew what it meant would come over and actually talk to me about the war. And the ignorant masses who aren’t in tune with Internet pop culture would just laugh. Either way, I won. And besides, I got my picture taken with the local police (who also rode motorcycles, and were very friendly).

The bummer was that the gathering at the war memorial sucked badly. People got there, listened for a few minutes and just cruised off on their bikes. I took a few photos and talked to the mayor about the event. I decided to throw a pop quiz question at him and he actually knew the answer: Who is the only president in the past thirty years to actually increase veteran’s benefits? The answer is Bill Clinton. Sadly, most people dodge the answer harder than the question and immediately launch into an assault on Clinton. But between you and I, I think he was a damned good President, if he hadn’t fucking lied that is. I really don’t give a shit about the blowjob, just the lie.

Anyways, I’m on the road to Atlanta on Wednesday, I’ll be taking photos along the way just for the hell of it. I’ll see you next week. I’ll have an article then… for now, a teaser.

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Operation Iraqi Free-stuff; Domestically – SARS, Peterson, dog-gone

9:29AM – The looting has finally subsided but it looks like a lot of stolen artifacts are showing up in the US at Customs checks and other ports of entry. There are now rumours flying around that US tanks drove into a poor Iraqi neighborhood, told everyone to come out, then shot the guards and blasted open the doors to a government building and encouraged people to take what they wanted. This is a baffling proposition because if a commander had given orders like this to troops, then eventually the truth will come out when they come home from Iraq and at the very least the independent media is going to interview a soldier who can validate this claim. Unless some soldiers aren’t meant to come home.

The US seems pretty bogged down in gaining support for the WOT right now, there have been no WMDs found and mass media is trying to bounce around domestic issues in order to keep attention away from the Middle East. Meanwhile, there are protests in Baghdad calling for our troops to leave and for Iraqis to form an Islamic government. Call me crazy but there appears to be more people in the streets calling for this than there were toppling Saddam’s statue. But then, this may have been the US plan all along, because what may be brewing could be a large terrorist attack against troops a la Lebanon in 1984. Something of that magnitude would give the Bush administration the support it needs to go after Syria and stomp on them as it did with Iraq, Proof non-withstanding.

So there you have it. You probably don’t need to watch the news for the next few weeks, because all that’s going to be on is the Peterson trial, more SARS scares, that guy who saved his dog in Tennessee then got arrested for doing so, spin on the economy and last but not least… more fucking SARS.

Good night, gahbless.

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Bidding Colorado adieu

3:54PM – Sorry for not posting a new article, there’s not a lot of news that I’m interested in following these days. I finally got my Neuros MP3 player and have been toying with that. I’m going this afternoon to get a new stereo for my car since my old one crapped out this winter (it works but the display went out and I’m left to guessing what the hell I’m playing or listening to on the radio). I’m having the guy put in a front jack so that I can plug in the player. I don’t think I’ll ever know what is “popular” anymore now that I have sixty hours of music at my touch.

I other news, I gave notice at my current job and I’m moving back to Atlanta to work at NationalNet. I worked there for a year and a half before I got burnt out and had to do something else. My first assignment is to rewrite the decrepit billing software that they bought and add a simple feature… packages. It’s funny how some companies refuse to listen to their customers and add features when there’s a support contract a mile long. Enough about that, I’ll be back in Atlanta sometime next week, and starting the new (old?) job on cinco de mayo. It’s a good reason to get drunk, so I encourage everyone to block your cubicle with empty cases of Corona on seis de mayo.

As an added bonus for putting up with my laziness in the field of updating my website, I give you: some girl pseudo-masturbating (kinda safe for work) with some crazy Japanese PS2 controller. As Joe Stump would say: “mphhphmmm mmmphhhh mphh”. I need a girlfriend like that, kickass.

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Attention Syria, you’re next… move out now.

11:29AMThe Memory Hole has the scoop on a doctored photo from the London Evening Standard. It’s still amazes me that blatant lies like this are allowed to circulate relatively unchecked in the mainstream media, yet a photographer from the (liberal) Los Angeles Times edits a photo to enhance how it looks and the mouth-pieces for the Right go apeshit in denouncing him, even after he’s fired. INCONCEIVABLE!!!

10:23AM – I was talking to Joe about the new US direction and the rhetoric machine being oiled and aimed at Syria for another go in the MidEast and we came up with a quasi solution for the Syrian civilians so they don’t have to suffer the same fate as the Iraqis. Here’s a snippet of that transcript, note the LOL and HAHAHA was added later by CIA Cointelpro who are trying to discredit the anti-war movement (rolls eyes):

Stephen VanDyke: I think Syria should just move out of it’s country and see how the US reacts
Stephen VanDyke: like everyone
Stephen VanDyke: just move to Iraq
Joe Stump: that would be hysterical
Stephen VanDyke: leave some cardboard cutouts for the troops to shoot at
Stephen VanDyke: Hmm, I think I have the lead for my next article
Joe Stump: hahahaha
Joe Stump: i think so!
Joe Stump: “Syria migrates to Iraq”
Stephen VanDyke: bahaha
Stephen VanDyke: 3 million Syrian citizens crossed the border into Iraq today in an attempt to flee a foreseeable regime change by the US-led coalition of the willing.
Joe Stump: hahaha
Stephen VanDyke: Bush was qouted in a press interview as saying “OMG Syria is attacking Iraq, kill ‘em all”
Joe Stump: lol

So there you have it, the solution for Syria is for it’s citizens to move to Iraq, because Iraq has already been “liberated” and it would be redundant for us to invade twice.

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Show me the WMD: Alice in Wonderland

As Iraq continues to descend into anarchy and the US tries to lay down a roadmap for a new regime, things seem oddly familiar, in a storybook kind of way.

I had to look back in my Alice in Wonderland story to really comprehend the similarities of what I gleaned on earlier. And the resemblance to real life was incredible, it may be a simple coincidence, but perhaps someone was acting subconsciously. So here goes, Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll, specifically the Queen’s court, and how it applies to today:

During the croquet match, the Queen (of Hearts) is ordering the beheadings of everyone and anyone, which is carried out by her executioner the Ace of Spades. However, the King of Hearts trumps the Queen and pardons everyone. Later in the story, Alice happens upon a trial where the Knave (Jack) of Hearts is accused of stealing the tarts. However the tarts have not actually been stolen and is evidenced by the letter:

I gave her one, they gave him two,
You gave us three or more;
They all returned from him to you,
Though they were mine before.

Now before we get ahead of ourselves, I want to let you know that Alice was growing through the whole proceeding and was at this time her normal size. Meaning that she was much larger than the cards and the creatures and they could pose no harm to her, so she’s getting bold. Going on, the Queen is meaning to have someone killed today as she proclaims to the jury “sentence first — verdict afterwards”, meaning to go ahead and kill the Knave, and who really cares if he’s guilty or not, he’s dead.

Now, I want to draw a parallel between this story and what is occurring in America and the misnomer “War on Terror”. We are in the Queen’s court now, with the US at the throne. Saddam may be the Ace of Spades in the Iraqi ID deck, but in reality he’s the Knave. It doesn’t matter to the Queen that he’s in the same suit or not, he’s in court and he’s going to be killed. Alice in Wonderland mysteriously ended at this point and she woke up from her dream, but our nightmare is just beginning. We have gone down the forbidden road of “sentence first — verdict afterwards” and regardless of whether we can prove the tarts (WMDs) were stolen or existed in the first place, we have killed the Knave.

The irony here is that Alice in Wonderland is supposed to be a work of fiction, to instill morals into children and to make adults laugh at the absurdity of a mushroom psychedelic experience gone goofy. But when Alice comes to life, the results are disastrous, just as a grinning Cheshire cat appears and disappears at will, so do our enemies seem to appear in the oddest places. And it perturbs the US that we cannot simply order to “cut of his head” because the Cheshire cat decided not to show it’s body, just the head.

So here we are walking around Iraq, searching for the tarts, I mean weapons of mass destruction, the Iraqi common man is convinced that we are going to plant them. We are occupying a country we have no respect for, we don’t bother to save their museums and historical places from looters, but Heaven forbid you approach an oil field and you’ll be on your way to meet Allah or whoever you believe in. We’re holed up in a few government buildings in Baghdad, sparing them so that a new Iraq regime can be established, meanwhile we have already picked the new leader, and just as in Afghanistan, there will be no elections.

So where do we go from here? Syria is getting plenty of pressure and will probably be next. The rhetoric has gone to absurd levels again and the Whitehouse is simply waiting for the echo chamber of the loudest Right-Wing media to begin calling for another preemptive war. It no longer matters if 9/11 can be tied to anything, it’s whether the next conflict can be tied to the previous. Has so-and-so given aid to so-and-so? Then they should feel the wrath of America. Indeed, we are in the Queen’s court, and a kangaroo court it is. The jurors (UN) are inept and asleep at times and are told what verdict to give, only they are too dumb to write down a verdict in any fashion or to stand up and proclaim the absurdity of the case.

Alice is not silent, but she’s still only 3″ tall. And if you want to know who Alice is, it’s the world public. The collective morality of the people of the world are still the greatest superpower that ever existed, and the US ranks second. Except Alice is still sitting by the dormouse, barely whispering about the absurdity of the trial, and being relegated to watching the events of the court unfold.


Hello freelancer, this week’s article is late

2:58PM – Stirred up a hornet’s nest of neo-conservative apologists over at Fark. If you came here to get ammo to flame me, may I suggest taking off your blinders.

9:01AM – I got lazy last night and played some Freelancer (if you’ve ever played Privateer, you’ll love this game). I’ve played the mission part of the game and am now eager to test out the multiplayer stuff. Then I mailed my tax returns (they were done in early March but I owed for state so I waited to mail it). Then instead of going home and writing an article, I decided I really didn’t care that much at the moment, so I stopped by the Corner Pocket pool hall and played some nine and had a couple beers. Then I went home and went to sleep, so no writing. But don’t fret, I’ll be writing tonight and it will be up tomorrow morning. Until then, go check out the Nueros MP3 player I bought recently.

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10:29AM – It’s funny that the DoD released playing cards with Iraqi leaders on them just as I was reading Annotated Alice (Alice in Wonderland). Saddam is the Ace of Spades. The obvious thing for us to do would be to created a deck for the US so foriegn countries like Syria (preview of next article) will know who is ordering their execution. Bush would obviously be the Queen, running around yelling “off with his head”:

“No, no!” said the Queen. Sentence first–verdict afterwards.”

“Stuff and nonsense!”said Alice loudly. “The idea of having the sentence first!”

–Lewis Carroll, “Alice in Wonderland”

8:54AM – I think I have SARS, or maybe I’m just a hypochondriac, or maybe I should be going to bed at ten instead of one. In either case I’ve been pretty sluggish lately, I don’t really give a damn about my job except the economy is never going to get better and I might as well get used to being “the phone guy” (who also fixes computers, the network, cable television and every technical thing they can throw at me). I’m making diddly squat right now, having been stupid enough to leave a good-paying job where I worked nearly sixty-five hours a week because it was finally an opportunity to just program all the time.

Fuck it, I’m just plain tired of working. I’ve never had a real vacation (time between jobs does not count) since I entered the “real world”. I was planning on seeing some friends and stuff in August, but I’m thinking of going to Costa Rica instead and sitting on a beach for a month drinking Mai Tais. Maybe if I like it enough I’ll move there. Hell, I sure a fuck don’t want to live in this country in five years seeing as we are going to be officially starting WWIII in a few years. Anyways, I’m buying gold, so I’m not worried.

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Win32 browsers, Opera 7.10 rocks the casbah

10:01AM – Opera 7.10 is officially out, so go download it ok?. It’s definitely the best win32 browser out there right now for speed, aesthetics and standards compliance. Mozilla 1.3 is a close second (which I also use), but I’m waiting for Phoenix 1.0 to make a debut before I go down that road again. IE6 however, has pulled in for a pitstop and is watching everyone lap it over and over. Maybe IE7 will be the blockbuster everyone is expecting from Microsoft. Don’t believe the hype that IE7 is the last version of Internet Explorer… Microsoft is not that dumb.

Also, a quick note to everyone… I’m just about done with the image gallery. There are over 300 pictures that I’ve been importing into the system and trying to make it pretty and easy to use. I looked at a lot of PHP photo gallery programs and found that they are usually way too complicated or are difficult to work with, so I wrote my own. I’m hoping to be done with it over the weekend, but then again I’m pretty lazy and might write a new article instead. It’s going to be a little more serious this time (HA!), so tell your friends.

To consume your time in the interim, how about the funniest Fark Photoshop contest EVER!

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I’m not anti-war or pro-war, I’m an American

12:44PM – Opera has released version 7.10 of it’s browser, it’s not coming out until tomorrow so here’s your chance to download it before everyone else slams the mirrors.

9:28AM – Apparently some of you people don’t realize the story about the pro-troops rally is satire. I got an email from some doofus peacenik calling me a bigot and a hate-monger. Well Mr. Hippy-pants, I’ll have you know you’re absolutely right, except instead of hating people for their skin color or ethnic background, I hate people who are retarded morons like yourself.

Just so everyone knows, I’m not pro-war, and I’m also not anti-war… I’m one of the few remaining people who is carefully straddling the line of objectivity and pissing on both the Left and the Right. You are both socialists and I don’t want to associate with either of you. Rock on motherfuckers!

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Operation: knock over Iraq’s statues

1:14PM – David Reese has done it again; Get Your War On #23 is out.

8:30AM – Well, it appears that ‘Operation: knock over Iraq’s statues’ is in full swing right now, except that the people seem more interested in putting on a display for the camera crews than actually liberating themselves. I’m reminded of when the Berlin wall came down, or maybe I just heard that on TV. Anyways, there’s millions of free, starving Iraqis toppling statues of Saddam all over their country. Maybe they can feast on the bronze behemoths while we play politics with the UN and see if they’ll foot the bill for humanitarian aide.

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Show of Support for America

CLARKSVILLE, GA – They came right after church on this balmy Spring afternoon. At first it was a guy on a motorcycle waving an American flag. Later a Vietnam Veteran drove up in a Chevy pickup truck. By early noon, there was a crowd of nearly 500 lining all four corners of Madison and Peachtree Industrial. They came waving posters, flags, banners and their children on their shoulders. They chanted loudly at cars that passed by. Most drivers honked their horns and gave the thumbs up. Others waved and smiled to those that lined the street. Some did neither, but that only invigorated the supporters to chant even louder.

By one-thirty, the crowd had doubled in size and news reporters were on the scene taking photographs and interviewing people. Susan Grieves was there with her son Patrick, her husband was in Iraq, possibly in Baghdad. He was a PFC in the 1st Expeditionary Marines as a tank gunner. Another woman overheard the conversation and gave her a hug. There was an instant bond between two wives who had been left behind while their husbands were at war and in harm’s way.

After two-o’clock, the mass of people had swelled to nearly five times the original size. A Georgia Highway Patrol trooper had arrived to manage traffic and maintain a semblance of order among the rally. It was a futile battle, many motorists were slowing down and some were stopping in the median to get out and join in their support. Sgt. Perginko relayed back to headquarters “We need twenty more people out here for crowd control”.

Cars continued to stream by but at an increasingly slower pace. Traffic had been backed up to I-85 and the honking of horns was incessant. That’s when six trucks with truckbeds full of new supporters stopped in the middle of the intersection and unloaded. Sgt. Perginko was unable or unwilling to stop them. The Ku Klux Klan had arrived to show their support for the American troops in Iraq. Some waved the rebel flag/American flag mix, one waved a placard espousing us to “Kill the Sand Niggers” and “Steal their Oil”. They all wore white robes and hoods.

Initially, many in the crowd did not know how to respond, but soon the anxiety was gone and a chant of “Kill the Muslims” was roaring through the crowd. Cars were honking steadily and news crews were calling their stations to authorize live feeds. The intensity of the situation was nearing the brink of chaos, then fell over the edge in awe inspiring form.

A VW microbus made the mistake of trying to navigate through the crowded intersection, supporters started rocking the van and jeering at the long-haired driver. The driver held up his hands and gave the peace symbol to the crowd and yelled “Peace is Patriotic”. The crowd encircled the VW and began rocking it much more violently.

Sgt. Perginko was nowhere to be found by this point, we later found him in his squad car sleeping, or badly injured, but there was no way to verify what happened to him, because what happened next was what set off the riot on that corner. The VW was rocking back and forth in a giant pendelum motion and the crowd screamed “USA, USA, USA” all around. In a blink, some Klan members had dragged the hippy driver out of the vehicle and began beating and kicking him in the middle of the street. The police backup had never arrived, and it was definitely too late. The microbus had been flipped over and someone threw a molotov cocktail at the thing, setting it ablaze.

It was at this point that this reporter left the maelstrom of “patriotism” and “national pride”. I was keen to watch it from a distance, even though I am deeply patriotic and love the USA. However with the carnage of watching a hippy finally get what he deserved, I felt it was appropriate to leave the scene before the backup Georgia Highway Patrol made their entrance.


New feature while you watch, please reload

6:30PM – Well, I wanted to have a bit of a playground to write more stuff on a day-to-day basis. I know a lot of people enjoy reading the longer articles, and although I wish I could crank one out every day, it’s not feasible since I don’t have to time to sit down every evening and crank out a masterpiece (or even a shriveled turd as some of you may insist). Also, there’s a fucking war going on and by golly I want to get in on this blogging towards Gomorrah action that I see all over the place. Stay tuned :)

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Real Whitehouse

This is the true story of what happens when seven politicians stop acting polite, and start acting real.

WASHINGTON, DC — Why they let me into the Whitehouse after just knocking on the door, I’ll never know, but there I was, seven hours later in the evening, puffing a cigar in the Oval Office and talking to Ari about how it would be possible to resolve this whole Axis of Evil issue.

“Look dude, Rumsfeld is a kick ass spokesperson, no one is going to kick him on that, but can he knock off the smug look every time he says we’re fifty or so miles from Baghdad?”

Ari shot back. “No way man, he’s got to show that we’re there to kick ass and take names.”

I walked over to George’s desk and picked up the red phone while holding down the receiver notch. I winked at Ari, then pretended to be talking to General Myers ?Hey homey, launch some nucular bizzombs up in Saddam’s house and show him who the boss in this world is”.

Ari was laughing maniacally when I came back over to the couch and flopped down. I kicked my leg over the arm of the old Victorian sofa and knocked some ash onto the coffee table. I looked around to a picture of Jenna on the wall and pointed to it with the cigar.

“I’d hit that, but only after a couple shots”

Ari frowned a bit. “Only a couple?”

I broke into a giant grin when he said that. He has a way of acting uptight and dismissive in front of the press corps, but after a couple drinks, he’s actually pretty damn jocular and laid back. I suppose it helped that I slipped some Rohypnol into his rum and coke, but who knows, maybe it hadn’t kicked in yet. We talked a bit about how cool it is to see stuff getting blown up live on 24-hour news networks and that the best way to watch is to flip back and forth during explosions to get a proper 3D effect. Those bombs sure do rumble on a Dolby SurroundSound system when you crank up the bass.

After another drink, Ari got up and started walking towards the secret wall door and I picked up our glasses and followed. We walked past some Secret Service guy standing by the outside door who eyed me pretty hard like I was about to swipe the stapler off the the desk outside the door. I made a quick gesture like that was exactly what I was going to do, and when he moved to stop me I clipped him in the chin and laid him out on the Persian rug right outside of the Oval Office.

Ari apparently didn’t see any of this; he was already halfway down the hall and was starting to sway from side to side. I suppose the powder was finally having some effect on him. I ran down to catch up to him and asked him where we were going. He didn’t answer but was humming the chorus to Bombs over Baghdad over and over. Personally I’m not a very big fan of that song, but to see him doing it was kind of humorous. I followed him through some rather large banquet rooms, wondering where we were going and if even Ari knew where he was headed. For all I know he likes to aimlessly wander around the Whitehouse at four in the morning get naked in the Blue Room and pass out on the dinner table with a bottle of Cuervo in his clutches.

Such was not my luck this evening as we stopped abruptly at a bedroom door. I ran into his back seeing as I was eyeing a bust of Lincoln with a bra strapped on his head in some malformed imaged of Mickey Mouse. He knocked on the door and after a few moments of silence we heard some footsteps. The door opened to the figure of Jenna wearing a Texas A&M jersey that reached just to her thighs. She looked at Ari with a look of sleepy wonder and then at me, standing just behind him with a dopey drunken smile and two glasses of melting ice and alcohol.

“Who the fuck is this?” She snapped, and without pause. “Are you drunk?”

“I’m Stephen” I extended my hand forward before realizing I didn’t have and empty hand but a glass of rum and coke. She took the glass from me and smelled it’s contents, then drank it down greedily.

“Damn girl, that was Ari’s!” I bellowed.

Ari turned back to me with a sour look. “I’ll go make another one.”

“Bring the whole bottle, we’re going to kick it in here for a bit.” She said.

Jenna opened the door wider and I slipped in past her, intentionally brushing up against her and placing my hand flat against her back. She shut the door on Ari and we heard the thud thud thud of his feet as he stumbled down the hall. I walked over to where the bed was and sat down on the edge. There was faint light coming in through the window and I could see the Washington Monument in the distance, a fitting depiction of what I was experiencing at that moment. I looked around as my eyes adjusted and could make out a collection of teddy bears and pillows on a sofa against the wall. On a dresser I saw the biggest dildo I had ever laid eyes on in my life and thinking about something to say about it when Jenna came and sat down next to me. She took the other drink I was holding and slammed it back in a single gesture.

[Section removed due to explicit nature, and because seriously, do you really want to know about my six ten humongous penis cock?]

I laid there with my chest beating in steady thumps, dragging on the Marlboro. I handed it back to Jenna and sat up, swinging my legs to the side of the bed. I walked to the door to see who had been knocking so impatiently. I put on the white robe with the POTUS seal on it and opened the door. Ari was leaning against Lincoln’s head with a bottle of rum in his hand and tracing a finger along the lace of the bra on the statue’s bust.

“What the fuck are you doing perv?” I laughed.

He snapped his hand back like a child who’s been slapped on the knuckles and looked at me with bewilderment.

“Get the hell in here; I think it may take a while longer to finish this one off.”

[Section removed due to explicit nature, actually it’s been blocked from my memory after the traumatic experience of what I may or may not have done to Ari with that giant dildo.]

I woke up the next morning with sharp pains roaring through my head, for some reason that I didn’t recall my prostate felt incredibly sore and I had the overwhelming urge to piss. I had somehow made my way back to the Oval Office and passed out on the couch. I remember walking past the Secret Service guy again who was still out cold and kicking him square in the stomach, then vomiting on the Persian rug next to him. I hope someone found him like that in the morning and had him sent before a firing squad for some crazy Patriot Act charge. I got up and walked to the bathroom and sat down to do my morning business. There was a trail of vomit from the door to the sofa and some broken glass by George’s desk. I walked into the bathroom and threw my filthy robe into the sink since there was another one behind the door.

I sat there thinking for a bit that I was taking a shit in the same toilet that Kennedy and Clinton had done the same, and started to wonder where exactly Bill had stood when he was getting international blowjobs. I thought about whether he had ever convinced Monica to just go ahead and swallow it down instead of spitting it in the sink or onto her nice dress. I wondered why the hell no one noticed a giant jizz stain on her breast while she was working, wearing it like some patriotic pearl necklace of honor. I wondered why she had never bothered to wash it out.

I got up and flushed the toilet and was about to wash my hands and face when I noticed that my turd had not gone down and was spinning defiantly in the President’s toilet. I flushed it again and it spun around lazily, daring to go down, and then bobbing back up. Outside in the Oval Office, people were starting to come in and talk. I was getting frantic and figured that someone had already heard one flush and would get suspicious of more. I looked at the rogue turd slowly spinning; it had a slight curve to it that resembled a frown and one point and then a smile. I almost laughed at the image that this shit had become personified and was now laughing at me. I grabbed a toothbrush from the sink and began to jab at it and break it up, satisfied that it would go down, I flush for a final time and down it went, along with my anxiety.

I came out of the bathroom to see George, Colin, Don and Ari sitting at the couches with coffee mugs. Ari waved me to come over and handed me a cup of fresh brew. I sat down next to Don across from Ari and Colin. I self-consciously crossed my legs so as not to expose anyone to the sight of my package. Everyone else was wearing khakis and polo shirts and I was still in nothing but a bath robe. I waved to George at the end sitting in the Victorian parlor chair and he smiled.

George took a sip from his mug. “Colin, Donald, this is Stephen. He’s here as a political observer and I’m going to have him head the new Department of Obvious Observations. It’s a new radical idea that he came up with where we’re going to start keeping the public informed of everything we do, in an open and honest manner. He’ll act as the liaison to both Houses to keep them informed and make sure that we stay fiscally responsible to the public.”

“No shit? Are we changing any of our plans as far as the New American Century project? Wha…” Don asked.

I cut him off. “Of course not, we’re actually going to make sure that Americans are better informed of it. Once we get the public to understand that neo-imperialism and direct confrontation against unfriendly foreign states is in their best interest, and in the interest of their 401K, we’ll surely get George here re-elected in ’04”.

“Do you think they’ll buy into this?” Colin asked.

I picked up a blue folder that was lying on the table and a black marker. I drew a giant dollar sign on the front of it and put it back down on the table.

“This is what American’s vote for. They want the government to take care of them but they don’t want to pay for it. Let’s not beat around the bush.” I glanced at George. “Pardon the expression. Anyways, we can stop mincing words here because anyone with half a brain knows that this is Socialism, everyone wants the benefits but none of the drawbacks. Well, the New American Century promises just that, the benefits. Now the problem is that Americans, specifically middle income to upper income Americans, will get the most out of this. Or rather that’s what we have to tell them. So we have to get everyone into a Nationalist patriotic fever so that the peaceniks will no longer impede the project.”

Ari bolted forward in protest. “National Socialism? There’s no way in hell we could sell Nazism to the American public.”

“Of course not, that’s why we just keep calling it Democracy, the average Joe Blue-collar doesn’t really know what Democracy is anyways. In fact, if we just call our enemies ‘Hitler’ and the like, people will probably go along with it.”

Colin, who was sipping on his coffee, spewed it out at Don, covering him in a fine spray of mochaccino mist, like a fountain of fecal material had magically poured forth.

“WHAT THE HELL!” Screamed Don.

“I’m sorry, but how is this any different from what we’re already doing?” Colin asked.

“Well, the difference is that you guys forgot to include the American public in the profit side of this project.”

“Oh yeah.”

“So do you think this is feasible?” I asked.

“You’re hired.” George said. “Let?s go play some golf and decide who to take out after Saddam, I know Il Jong has surely been a pain in the ass, we could probably trash the authority of NATO at the same time.”

“Sounds like a good plan.” I said.

“Stay tuned next week when Colin goes before the UN and tells them they need to send food to Iraq even though we started the war… Ari pukes all over a CNN reporter… Stephen prank calls Tom Ridge from George’s office… and Puck from MTV’s real world makes a guest appearance, and eats everything in sight”

Real Politicians. Uncensored. Real Whitehouse. Monday nights at 8PM EST, only on MSNBC, FoxNews, CNN. Jesus, it’s fucking on everywhere.


I hate CSS and XHTML! (>.<)

Some things are broken right now as I try to switch from HTML 4.01 Transitional (read: working, but old skool) to XHTML 1.0 and CSS 2.0 with the dope div tags all over the place and floating elements.

The main intro page is up and working, and that was a total bitch to get control of the vertical and horizontal. This was far from being an episode of the outer limits as I struggled with 2 floating elements and had to do mathematical programming in PHP that would carry over to the layout. Needless to say it was a bitch and I’m keeping it a secret (CSS does not like images for some reason, someone please tell me why).

I’m considering stretching these pages out to 100% because it would probably look cool, and maybe I’ll add a little more color to the layout. Aside from that, don’t expect a whole lot of changes to the design, I just wanted to kill tables since it was becoming a pain in the ass to load PHP code inbetween a bunch of table tags. God bless the div tag for being useful in that regard.

Thanks for your patience while I fix the mess.

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Shut Up America

What in the hell is wrong with America? Are we on such a power trip and drunk from flattening the Taliban that we think we can take on the whole world? Can we just be honest about it and just tell everyone it’s about oil and world conquest instead of bullshitting the UN and claiming disarmament and regime change is the only goal?
see more…


What is worth fighting for?

Our forefathers had a vision of man who was willing to do anything in his power to fight for freedom against tyranny. Their motto was one of “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness”, and if you ask any American, this is still strongly believed.
see more…


What happened on September 11th… 1994?

On September 11 1994, Frank Corder got behind the controls of a stolen red and white, single engine plane. Shortly after 2am on September 12th, he violated the highly restricted Washington DC airspace and aimed the small plane towards The Whitehouse. Or did he?
see more…

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Working as: BrainBench Test Validator

I am doing a gig for BrainBench as a validator for the PHP4 test. I’m sure this goes over the heads of a lot of the non-techies out there but I wanted to say that this is really cool and I’m amazed they called me out of the blue.

I took their test a LONG time ago (October 2000, a long time in Internet years), I received the level of “Master” on the test and didn’t think much of it at the time aside from having something that helped validate my skills. For a while I was ranked in the top 10 in Georgia and you better believe I was EXTREMELY proud of that.

Of course, it was one of those things that I kept to myself, I was already happily employed and it was merely for my own edification to procure this type of acknowledgement. Well, that was two years ago, time passed and I sort of figured that poor BrainBench, like many other dot-coms, was doomed to financial failure.

Now, two years later and obviously still alive and kicking, BrainBench has gone and snagged their own certification to justify their testing ability, the coveted ISO 9001.

And now I get to be a test validator for their PHP4 test. I will get 25 test questions and answers and I will write what I think of them (validate them of course). I guess this could be the pinnacle of my PHP days, or it could be a completely new beginning, I look forward to following where this takes me.

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Rock out with your cock out

Recently (ok, just five minutes ago), I put myself on the open market for adult websites via adultstaffing.com… I like the way they cater directly to those of us who know exactly what industry we like being in. I like porn, who in their right mind wouldn’t?

Here’s the transcript of my “application” with their service, I figure honesty and brazen self-esteem (with the high esteem of others to back you up) MUST be the best policy, because it works so well in the movies and all that:

PHP & SQL pimp (WOAH!)

(June 19, 2002 – stephenvandyke.com) Hi everybody, I’m doing the contract thing now because I enjoy working from home and having the tunes cranked WAY up which lets me rock out with the code. I do PHP, HTML, PERL, JavaScript and I dream in SQL. I design databases like a motherfucker hyped up on PCP (in a good way, not in that crazy streetcorner guy way). Oh yeah, and I’m far from conventional, I don’t BS about work or anything else, I just get things done to supreme satisfaction and you walk away with a giant smile.

I’m in this industry because… well I like porn, who here doesn’t? I’m always helping people find a new edge when working on projects (ie- have you ever laughed while masterbating?) and I have worked with some of the largest names in the industry (LFP, NationalNet, Vivid, et al). If you want your site to be bold and well programmed and want someone who can reach under the covers and give your audience a hard-on then you should seriously consider my expertise.

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Google & Dilbert: Final Logo… *spewwwww*

All this week (05/20 – 05/24), Google and Scott Adams – FRIDAY! The culmination of a week’s worth of wacky one-liners yeilds… another weak-ass joke, except this time there’s a little TM at the end.

As per usual, the original version is first, then my version is below. You can read more about this whole Google logo lunacy here.

Holy crap, I waited all week, wading through annoying one-liners and bad jokes for this piece of shit? Well, fuck it, here’s the lady from Old Navy, because only one thing can top the annoying Dilbert logo today… Carrie Donovan and Magic trying to hawk cargo pants and fleece sweaters and GRARGGGGHHH… BRAIN ANEURISM!!!

Original Google logo for Friday May 24th, 2002

Modified Google logo

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Google & Dilbert: Help I’m choking on the funny, GRARGHNEH!

All this week (05/20 – 05/24), Google and Scott Adams – THURSDAY! This one truly sucks ass, I can’t believe they went back to the same image from Monday but with different text, lame.

As per usual, the original version is first, then my version is below. You can read more about this whole Google logo lunacy here. Oh yeah, this one was way over the top in the lameness factor. Why don’t they just make a stupid TPS reports joke while they are at it. Hopefully tomorrow’s new logo unveiling is a lot more eventful than the crap that’s been spewing all week. I can’t believe I’m wasting my time making fun of such weak comedy. I hope Google fires Scott Adams in a stroke of comedy brilliance and the logo is a giant pink slip that says everyone at Dilbert Inc. or whatever-the-fuck is fired and have a nice weekend.

Original Google logo for Thursday May 23rd, 2002

Modified Google logo

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