T4dW IV – Get Your Bukakke On

Note: this article contains dead links, the url is still in the hover/alt text. Keep the web working, curate content well!

gybo t4dw Welcome and hello again. As it is another Friday afternoon, it’s time to find a fresh writeable CD, crack open a beer and burn some fresh new music for the weekend. DJs and enthusiasts alike are encouraged to send music to t4dw at stephenvandyke dot com for my approval or mockery. The image to the right is completely unauthorized and there is no affiliate between stephenvandyke.com and GYBO other than the fact that I regurgitate the good stuff that is posted over there, much like taking a 3-hour long bukakke and editing it to 5-minutes of quality money shots. Onward to the bukakke…

On to this week’s list:

  • Let’s start off cheesy shall we? Some guy named schoenvonhinten figured the A-Team would battle with the Beastie Boys against the bad guys and there would be lots of explosions, with Mr. T saying: “I love it when a plan comes together” (3.4MB – 3:37). Download Sucka!
  • Go Home Productions thought he could keep his beautifully produced Madonna vs The Sex Pistols mashup-ology of Ray of Gob (3.0MB – 2:32) off the web, since he’s gotten the go ahead to sell it legit. We’ll see how long this stays up (thanks to Mr White Label).
  • DJ TiiM blew me away with this awesome mash of Armand Van Helden – Funk Phenomena VS Annie Lennox – Little Bird (6.0MB – 6:30)
  • Cropstar must have blown a hip-hop gasket when he booted Audio Bullys vs Jazzy Jeff to create Shake the Ego (5.0MB – 3:34).
  • Von Riddler wants you to clap your hands and shake your ass to N.E.R.D vs Missy Elliot – She Wants It Really Hot (4.9MB – 3:31).
  • Paul Your Leg was too dumb or lazy to set up his website properly, but you shouldn’t hold that against him because he managed to upload this fine mix of Run DMC vs James Brown called America’s Like That (6.3MB – 4:33). HUH! Get down, uh!
  • Nefarious is another one of those lazy DJs who can’t even put up a website. Maybe he is too busy creating great bootlegs like Crystal Method vs. Sean Paul called Prime Mover – Get Busy (6.8MB – 7:24).
  • And since no weekend is complete without a DJ set mix, here’s Xii with Nintendoclash (39.2MB – 42:46). Proper tracklisting can be found here, may feel a bit oldskool for some of you, but I liked it.

That’s it, there’s no more. I don’t want to see you come back here until Monday. I don’t post on the weekends OK?

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My Terrahsense is Tingling

Traffic is tapering off now, returning to some semblance of “normal” (even less views than Jayson Blair’s new novel). It’s been very exciting seeing my hypothesis work it’s own magic. But today, I’m not going to be talking about that. Because hell, this is my site and if I want to make you wait until Monday to see the full analysis, that’s my prerogative. Besides, tomorrow is T4dW, and I’m already behind since I haven’t downloaded squat from GYBO this week.

But for now, here’s the reason for the odd title of the post. Another one of my captions for recent news about the Spain Rail Blasts. My sadness is with Spain, but my tongue is wagging as usual:

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How Drugs Travel in the Hood

Let’s see… take popular infographic, turn it into a racial parody, repost. Is it fair for me to make fun of my own graphic? Meh, F$&k it, laugh.

how drugs travel in the hood infographic

On another tangent: I came across BugIn today (via Freshmeat). This screenshot is hilarious. *Note to self, do not outsource UI design to local 3rd grade class* Other than that, the software looks pretty decent and I must have had it on my watch list for a reason.


How I’m Travelling on the Internet

stats snapshotFirst off, wow. 10K+ visits yesterday from 56 separate sources, and the ball is rolling faster today (#5 on Blogdex). I sorta put the cart before the horse in creating a chart without statistical proof, but apparently no one minded. The great thing is that I now have loads of data to back up my claims, but with new questions of course (is RSS an extension of a site, or a new entity?) and the ability to create a real example of propagation. It would be great if I knew Flash since it’s obviously a visual that would benefit from it.

Secondly, to clear up a few things that may have been misunderstood. Since this is still a case-study in news discussion I am still being enlightened by people smarter than me. One fine example is John Hiler’s May 2002 article: “Blogosphere: the emerging Media Ecosystem” (via Mehrzweckbeutel [German to English]). Then there are my initial observations, with context from being on the receiving side of things:
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How News Travels on the Internet

I read the Wired article Warning: Blogs Can Be Infectious, and thought it was informative. But it seemed to be lacking the big picture view of how the news travels. The Blog Epidemic Analyzer was also amusing and showed how attribution is underrated, but it too seemed sorely lacking cohesion, nor was it a very new topic. So I thought to myself: “Hey this isn’t all that complicated, I should make a visual diagram to illustrate this”. And this infographic was born.

Here’s how I see news travel, I think it’s a pretty self-explanatory graphic, plus I’m too lazy to do a proper write up. Infer as you wish, maybe I will become the “source” one of these days.

how news travels on the internet infographic

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Bush: He Speaks Awesome Spanish

Bush Parody AdOne day. One single, solitary fucking day! It’s just unbelievable how fast and talented people of the Internet are. On the afternoon of Wed the 3rd of March 2004, the reelection campaign for Bush released advance web notice, and videos of campaign ads. A little over 24 hours later on the 4th of March, Music for America releases a parody of the Bush ad, and the humor quality is through the fucking roof!

Here’s a direct link to the ad if you don’t know what to click or you are just completely lazy.

(link via blogdex.net)

UPDATE: Music for America seems to be down, but I was able to download the video when it was up. Here’s my local copy of it (8.72MB) [deprecated link]. Please do not directly link to the file or I will pull it, upload it to your own site/server and don’t rape my bandwidth.

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T4dW III – Kleptones-mania

Kleptones - Yoshimi Battles The Hip-Hop RobotsThis weekend’s tunes are a little more mellow, but you’ll have to forgive me for saying that the Kleptones have created a masterpiece of hip-hop smoothness with their mix-tape called “Yoshimi Battles The Hip-Hop Robots” . It’s hip-hop set to the beats of the Flaming Lips (Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots), the result is very interesting and beautifully done. In their own words: “This is not Art – This is a mixtape.” in my words, superb, and between you and me, I do consider it art. Supposedly, this is a secret, as in “secret spring collection”, this is certainly to be the buzz amongst DJs and bloggers alike, if it make the right kind of ripples in the blogosphere. Hopefully the RIAA folks won’t get their panties in a bunch like they did over the DJ DangerMouse album.

First, a proper track listing:

  • 01 Fight In The Club
  • 02 Song Of The Hip-Hop Robots
  • 03 Sympathy For The Almighty
  • 04 Love Song For Yoshimi
  • 05 Battle Sequence
  • 06 My People Feel That Way In The Morning
  • 07 Chess Game At The Gates Of Hell
  • 08 Are You A Visionary?
  • 09 Breathe In The Summertime
  • 10 Have You Come To Realise
  • 11 All We Have Is Soul
  • 12 Last Words (A Tribute)

Download them all from the secret spring collection page. If you ignore the advice: “this page could disappear very soon – be quick”, you can download them this mirror (which could also be gone soon, who knows).

Props to xii for the album cover, originally posted here (scroll to the bottom).

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Get Your Spoiler On

Personally, I’d rather see Hunter S. Thompson run, but that’s probably just the drugs talking.

One more… funny in a slap-me-because-I’m-retarded kind of way, I think. Get Your Dr. Evil On:

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Get Your Election On

Props to David Reese, of Get Your War On infamy.
Also, props to Joe Stump, I bounce comedy ideas off him all the time (and trade urls to funny shit). The punchline on this is his.

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I voted Motherfucker

So, today is Super Tuesday in the election primaries, only I think the phrase is weakened without proper alliteration, so I hereby declare that everyone has to say it with a lisp, therefore today ith now Thupor Toothday!!!1!one!

I went to the polling precinct because I wanted to vote. Luckily I found out that there is a mind-boggling choice of two parties that you can choose on the poll card (table number one). You are then told to go to the table that says either Democrat or Republican. Both tables were beside each other and there was no difference except that one had this huge stack of money on it and Hooters girls. Well, actually it was a bunch of old people they must bus in from some retirement home.

Aside from me, there was a whole one other person voting at the time, so I think someone is going to have to cast a tie-breaker for my county. I got to vote on the state flag (again), because apparently here in Georgia we like to put a new one up every couple of years. I voted on the new one, I figure by 2035 we’ll have the old rebel flag again, except it will be drawn with crayon by some 4th grader, and will feature a giant rainbow colored fist in the center.

Aside from that, I apologize for not posting yesterday. Instead I read some Faulkner and went to bed.

If I’m boring you, oh well… here’s a video clip of some Jerry Springer for Russia talk-show like where this dude kicks the shit out of a woman in a bride’s dress, then all hell breaks loose. It’s some totally fucked up shit.

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T4dW – Not responsible for Dain Bramage

Another week, another set of tunes for the (da) weekend. This week I had to sort through a selection of over 80 songs and, though I’d love to post everyone one of them, some simply didn’t make the cut. Apologies in advance to those who didn’t, I still love you (and I’m certainly not the authority on music). Keep making great music guys.

I also want to respond to what Al3x said about the art of mash-ups:

“Most of the stuff Stephen links to would make a great soundtrack for your weekend partying (as he suggests), but you’ll be sick of it by Monday.”

He’s right, but I have to say that for every twenty or so mash-ups that make for simple weekend music, there’s one that’s going to stand out and survive the test of longevity, some artists like Go Home Productions and SoundHog, are making a science out of this by making songs that will classic bootlegs. I’ll include them of course from time to time as they release noteworthy songs (many of which are, but such compilations seem to take longer to create). That said, I played this CD at a party, and most everyone was listening with huge eyes, asking “what the fuck is that, it rocks”, especially that Outkast/Queen mash-up.

Ok, now that I’ve said my little spiel, don’t think that I’m going to stick my nose up in the air and only choose songs for their longevity, after all, my claim is only for the weekend (although I don’t recommend tossing the CD come Monday morning). Just enjoy my selections, and tune in to GyboFM during the week if this doesn’t satisfy your weekly fix for badass DJ mixes.

And now… drumroll please… Tunes For (4) the (da) Weekend (T4dW):

  • A DJ by the name of Lazy Tramp imagined that David Bowie got coked up one weekend with the Beastie Boys and went to a stripclub to perform Let’s Pole Dance (3.4MB – 3:38). If this is true, permit me to pass Bowie a line.
  • Mr. Trick made this nice mix of Will Smith’s latest rap over the top of classic rock riffs, loops and beats. Black Sabbath, Led Zep, Iggy Pop, AC/DC, Cypress Hill and The Fugees. Nod Ya Head (3.2MB – 3:26)
  • Fujukato, together with Frank Funk, has an original tune called Friday Night Update (3.3MB – 3:29). You will dance to this, unless you have no rhythm.
  • DJ A-Team funked out Dusty Springfield – Son of a Preacher Man, added a teensy splash of Aerosmith – Walk This Way, and makes you want to boogey with Walk Like a Preacher Man (2.7MB – 2:52).
  • DJ Mei Lwun has a really good long mix that will get any party going called HIPster-Hop (42MB – 61:01). Seriously, it has class.

This week’s list may seem a little short, but I’m trying to contrain myself to a 72 minute CD, and HIPster HOP kinda made it difficult. I may break this format as I’ve been seeing more downtempo mixes and really long mixes where one or two would fill up a CD (speaking of which, if you haven’t downloaded the Strictly Kev’s Raiding the 20th Century (51.9MB – 39:04), well then you should). If anyone wants to point me to original remixes or interesting music, please email me at: mail AT stephenvandyke DOT come. Until next week, Enjoy!


George “Dubya” Bush Blow Up Sex Doll

Introducing, the Gorge “Dubya” Bush blow up sex doll.

bush blow up dollDubya is just waiting for a bit of action with this replica blow up sex toy. True to life, he is barely endowed, with 2.5″ of hard penis (Viagra not included) ready to fill you up whenever you desire. Dubya is bi-sexual and loves to play with women and women only. Features realistic moulded face with salt and pepper moulded hair, a realistic wide-open mouth, semi-well-endowed realistic dildo (removable) and a tight (very tight) anus that should not be touched, looked at or even talked about. Conservatively priced at only $190.25 billion.

The deluxe version (add $30.00) includes a vibrating cock, BigoTech™ voicebox with 4 sexy phrases, certificate of sexual preference, sexy flight suit for roleplaying, and Alabama National Guard dental records.

Order now and we’ll throw in a free Jerry Falwell midget blow up doll (not pictured) that we are desperate to get rid of. Features BigoTech™ voicebox and comments on your sexual activites with such joyous phrases as: “AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals”; “This homosexual steamroller will literally crush all decent men, women, and children who get in its way”; and “Raw sex between unhuman beings with three heads and God alone knows what sort of reproductive apparatus”.

Call us now at 202-456-1414, order lines are open.

Or use our secure online order form.

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Grey Tuesday

DJ Dangermouse - Grey Album CoverSo today is Grey Tuesday. What that means is that 184 web sites are hosting the DJ Dangermouse – Grey Album, and another 152 are “going grey” in solidarity, with numbers subject to go up as more people hop on the proverbial I-wanna-pirate-shit-too-even-though-it’s-not-piracy-bandwagon. So if you haven’t heard the album everyone is talking about, featuring Jay-Z’s grating voice ruining perfectly remixes of The Beatles—I got the Grey Album weeks before the wave had formed—then run off and download to your heart’s content, have at it. The production itself is strong and flows cleanly, sounds superb and matches, but the Black Album was simply bland and monotonous (the blame for which Jay-Z plays a major contributor to). To DJ Dangermouse’s credit, I do like his “Ghetto Pop Life” remix/bootleg album, which is authorized. I plan on buying that in short order, so chalk one sale up to publicity.

On the downside, I’m not going to host (this is a comp account from work) or go grey (too lazy to finish the site design, much less change for a day), but I will say that I think music sampling should be legal, or more legal than it is now. Regardless, it won’t stop me from posting music to places like GYBO (Get Your Bootleg On) or doing my T4dW (Tunes for the Weekend), which is largely made up of bootlegs and mash-ups.

The interesting thing about all of this? The New Yorker article that started all of this—The Mouse that Remixed—has not been mentioned at all, and it was written by me… no just kidding, though that would be funny in an ironical way to a few of my friends.

Danger Mouse cartoon punSecond interesting thing? I hereby declare 2004 to be the year of bootleg music. Pop is dead, long live (bootleg) pop. I expect to see a spike of people visiting for my weekly T4dW picks. I’m going to be the motherfucking Rick Dees of bootlegging/bastard pop/mash-up music picking.

Third interesting thing… better snag any images of the real Danger Mouse (a.k.a – the 80s cartoon), because in 3 months or so many of the better google image searches will show the Grey Album cover (yoink) instead of the one-eyed cartoon rat (ahem, mouse) many of us grew up watching.

Update: Byron Crawford has a review which I completely agree with. “It’s the Black Album meets the White Album, so it’s already got a certain coolness to it, but if that’s all it had, you’d only listen to it once or twice and then toss it aside. You know, like all of the other Jay-Z albums […] the genius is in the execution. I could’ve come up with the idea, but nobody could’ve made that shit work like Danger Mouse did.” Bravo!

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T4dW (Tunes for the Weekend) – Every Friday

I thought I’d start a tradition here by sharing my favorite music that I found during the week. Mostly I will peruse music that people have posted on the GYBO (Get Your Bootleg On) message board, and regurgitate my favorites for you in what is already a tradition on the GYBO board (though sometimes weeks can pass without a post on the subject). So I present my musical primer for the weekend, guaranteeing new music, fresh beats and funky downloads: T4dW.

  • Kick it off with a mash-up by Happy Larry, featuring Aretha Franklin, Nirvana and [DJ] Jazzy Jeff he calls Respect the Teen Spirit Boom (6.7MB).
  • Agent Lovelette managed to put Ludacris in a time machine, send him to the 80s, and sing “Stand Up” with Cameo playing “Word Up”… the result is the excellent mashup Stand Up (4.7MB).
  • Bring it down a notch for a moment with an unknown demo song by Queen, called New York (2.1MB), quite good, can’t wait to see a remix.
  • Poj Masta rocks the digital turntables with this quickie, but glitch-tastic, remix of Stylophonic’s Way of Life (2.1MB).
  • Once Poj has a grip on you, he doesn’t let go, and pumps a glitched up version of Britney Spears’ Toxic (4.6MB) at you until your ears bleed, except it’s a good thing.
  • Cry on My Console has a lovely mashup called I Snapped the Casbah! (3.3MB). Mixing Daft Punk – Revolution 909, The Clash – Rock The Casbah, Snap – The Power and Les Rythmes Digitales – About Funk, it’ll load up nicely for any bumping party
  • DJ Danger Mouse, the mofo everyone is going nuts over because of his Grey Album, has a nice krunk mashup of 50 Cent vs. Tom’s Diner (3.7MB). (via Boom Selection)
  • DJ Prince brings us back to listening to Queen – We will Rock You, but he thought it would sound better if they had OutKast – Hey Ya! playing in the back ground: it does (3.3MB)
  • Kareem Abdul Jabastaard may not be bringing much game to the court, but he hit the turntables pretty hard and invites you to Come walk Away, Hoes (4.3MB). Nicely mixed with: Styx – Come Sail Away + Kelis – Milkshake + Ludacris – Area Codes + Aerosmith – Walk this Way.
  • Soundhog throws some musical division at you with this mix of The Proclaimers vs 2 Bad Mice and comes up with 500 Bad Mice (4.3MB)

And for the big finale mix, JoolsMF dishes up an impressive look back at the 20th century in this little ditty he calls… 20th Century (19.1MB).

  • Nightmares on Wax – Ease Jimi
  • Aim – Ain’t Got No Time to Waste
  • Brad – 20th Century
  • Jorge Ben – Ponta de Lanca Africano (Umbabarauma)
  • Bentley Rhythm Ace – Bentleys Gonna Sort You Out
  • Ozomatli – Aqui No Sera
  • Air – All I Need
  • Beach Boys – ‘Til I Die
  • Elliott Smith – LA
  • Jimi Hendrix – Voodoo Child (slight return)
  • Kula Shaker – Govinda
  • Marlena Shaw – California Soul
  • Nitin Sawney – Nadia

So download these great songs, grab a fresh writeable CD, and enjoy the weekend tunes. See you next week.


Che Guevara-keteer

I decided to bastardize the icon of revolution with this tongue-in-cheek image of Che wearing a Mickey Mouse hat. I would have liked to add him wearing a t-shirt with Bart Simpson on it (idea from a New Yorker magazine comic a few weeks back) and perhaps drinking a Coke, but alas… I couldn’t find an image with proper cropping.

Che Guevara, El Revolucion del Mickey

P.S. – tomorrow features a special “Tunes for the Weekend” post with links to music for you to burn.


Dean “Suspends” Campaign on my Advice

Dean announced he is “suspending” his campaign today, thanks in no part to my reasonable and well thought out article on the subject. Of course, do I get credit for this revelation? No.

You might say that this is not “flipping out” as I had advocated, and for this I should probably clarify myself. When I said “flip out”, I had meant: confuse everyone by withdrawing, but not withdrawing, while not conceding or telling anyone what the hell is going on. See? I was right all along. Ok, maybe not.

I do think that Dean has somehow lost all motivation, and that includes giving a rousing concession speech which should rally his supporters to move on to support his old opponent (most likely Edwards), but Dean must have the notion that he’s still in this race, even if only for a VP slot. Someone tell him he’s not: Kerry will pick Edwards or loose-lipped Clark over Dean, simply out of spite, or probably more importantly (according to the media folks), because those two actually give him a chance at garnering Southern votes. Dean on the other hand, might help with the Southern contingency with “the Confederate flags in their pickup trucks”, but that might scare the ultra-liberals making up the core of… what’s that?… the Democratic Party. That’s right Dean, Democratic Party, not Confederate Party.

So while Dean retreats to his home in Vermont and slides off the national radar—praying that the word “suspension” will somehow absolve him of the need to campaign and that a magical constituency of people who vote for candidates who are still on the ballot but officially washed up will appear—Kerry and Edwards solidify their camps and and give each other love taps while simultaneously attacking Bush. Dean goes home, but leaves his name on the ballot in silent protest. Perhaps people will vote for him out of pity, but I doubt it.

In other news, since John Kerry turned out to be an asexual bore, everyone is starting to look in Edward’s pants, but much to their dismay.

There’s more at Allah is in the House (via Wonkette).

UPDATE FROM 2011: LOL, EDWARDS. Despressingly ironic, right?

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What are the Odds of Two Skull and Bones Members Vying for the Presidency?

(Progressive Review via Wonkette)

[We asked readers for the odds of 600 Skull & Bones members of presidential age having two colleagues running against each other for the presidency.]

BPD – Apparently 100%.

MARK MOTYKA, MATHEMATICS LEAGUES – The odds of a Skull and Bones vs Skull and Bones Presidential election, using the numbers you gave for the estimate, would be the sqare of (600/146,000,000), or about one chance in 59,211,111,111. However, there is a glitch: since one of the two Bonesmen was already appointed to the position by the SCOTUS, we have a conditional probability for this particular election. That is, one of the candidates WILL be a Bonesman. In this particular case, the odds that Bush would run against another bonesman would be 600/146,000,000, or about one chance in 243,333. All of the above assumes the usual two candidate duopoly that our media so happily reinforces. Should Americans have a choice of more then than two presidential candidates, the odds are considerably lower.

EDDIE M. ABBOTT, M.D. – 1 chance in 60 billion. Pretty unlikely. But you also need to factor in the increased likelihood of a Yale graduate being president when compared to an Arkansas high school dropout. Don’t know how to do that.

RUTH ROWAN MA – Random chance of two skull and bones members running for president is in one in 59 billion ((600/146million)squared). But Gide would tell you to doubt that.

YALE PROFESSOR OF STATISTICS – What appears straightforward may not always be so. There are many assumptions one must make to proceed with the problem. If we impose very naive assumptions such that (i) party affiliation is not an issue, (ii) that each age-eligible person in Skull & Bones is just as likely as any other to run for president, and, (iii) more generally, we assume each age-eligible person in the overall population is just as likely as one another to run for president, then we proceed as follows. We sample two people to run for president from the overall age-eligible population at random, and see if both of them are from Skull & Bones. This is an example of a hypergeometric probability, and the answer is: 1.686043e-011

That is a VERY SMALL probability. We can add additional assumptions that take away some of the randomness of the above selection process (thereby, making the calculations more difficult), as we would certainly think that there is a greater probability that individuals from Skull & Bones would run for president versus a general age-eligible person in the entire population.

Well, that settles that question. Now who wants to be the first to throw the “c”-word around? Oh CBS! E tu?

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Friday Roundup

Note: this article contains dead links, the url is still in the hover/alt text. Keep the web working, curate content well!

Here’s what’s hot this week:

  • Drudge Report posted a rumor yesterday about Kerry boinking an intern or something. Of note is that Drudge was scooped by WatchBlog, where I used to write (no one has touched my record-setting 76 posts!). Could be interesting to watch this one.
  • If you always wanted the phone number 212-867-5309, it’s for sale. I’m looking for the 404 area code version.
  • Out of nowhere, this little site called Turnpike Films shows up with hilarious mock commercials. My favorite was the Budweiser commercial but everyone else seems to be linking to Nutri-Grain: Feel Great, so I will too.
  • Getting Kerryed away? Turns out Kerry never hung out with Jane Fonda at a Vietnam anti-war rally. Of course it probably doesn’t help him when Fonda opens her trap and defends him, he probably wishes she’d shut up.
  • DJ Danger Mouse remixed Jay-Z’s Black Album with The Beatles’ White Album and created the Grey Album (includes audio files). “Encore” is my favorite, but Jay-Z’s rapping gets monotonous afater a while and kills the idea. There’s already a cease and desist from The Beatles.
  • Here’s some Fuck Valentine’s Day cards.
  • There’s a hilarious spoof of the Matrix Reloaded where Neo fights a kazillion agents, except with funny voice-overs. Be sure to watch KNOX’s other movies.
  • A twist on “smack the pengu”, here comes “orca slap“, pengiuns flip off an orca’s back and you throw snowballs at them in which them stick in a target. These are really quite addicting.
  • Triumph the Insult Comic Dog has a website ……………….. for me to poop on.
  • Move over metrosexuals, here comes the “quirkyalone“.
  • For your valentine, may I suggest the: “shit bitch you is fine” teddy bear. Or maybe just print your own V-Day cards (you cheap bastard)

Well that’s it for this week, see everyone (and by everyone I mean that one person who actually visits) next week. Amazingly, the updates will continue.

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Fuck Valentine’s Day

Yeah yeah yeah, I’m 25 and every year around this time my grandmother and sister become a little bolder in asking about my so-called love life. Never had one, never want one. Call it a spate of extremely bad luck, but all the girls I’ve dated have been sociopaths, bottom-feeders, or emotional train-wrecks that worked their magic spell to make me just as fucked up as they were. Maybe this is the mysterious change that women are supposed to have on men, they unleash their problems and see if a man has empathy or if he turns the volume of the TV up a couple notches to drown out their incessant wailing.

I’m not trying to generalize, except I have to generalize because the representatives of the female species who have crossed my path are pretty damn rotten. This is not to claim that I am “all that” or anything of the sort, I mean hey, I have a horrible case of bachelorus habitatus (translation: there is a 3 foot pile of clothes on the bedroom floor) and my fridge contains more beer and sandwich meats than the local deli. One redeeming value of my bachelor lifestyle is that I get to decorate any which way I like, unfortunately I have discovered my taste is expensive antique furniture, leather sofas, velvet drapes (Gawd not Elvis, think Baroque), all intermingled with modern electronics. Whoa, let’s kill this tangent, back to why I hate women… wait shit that’s not what I mean… back to why I hate Valentine’s Day.

First of all, the month of January (and sometimes February) has the highest rate of domestic violence (which has been directly linked to Super Bowl Sunday), whereas February has the highest marriage rate. Statistically speaking, you are encouraged to beat the shit out of your girlfriend when she whines about not respecting her [whatevers] and interrupts your precious football game, only to make it up to her with a box of chocolates or a ring or a teddy bear the following month. And it’s not even a real holiday, Hallmark made it up so you wouldn’t feel bad about the black eye and busted lip that was finally healing. Don’t you feel good about yourself. Oh wait, I forgot to mention love.

Yes, love… okay, love has nothing to do with Valentine’s day. The truth is that women are looking for some mad loot and if you don’t give them something to tide them over until Spring/Easter shopping season, they are going to take your credit cards and max them out, then dump you. Guys basically want sex, that’s pretty sad but men are just plain horny and Valentine’s day means badonka-donk. Think about it the next time you are buying a card for your girl… are you thinking: “Hey, I love her”, or do you think: “Man I hope I don’t fuck this up, I hope this isn’t too cheesy, I wonder if she would laugh at the card with the monkeys kissing, nah, I’ll just get her the one with the angels, dude I’m so getting some tonight”. Guys, if it’s the long drawn out one, that means you are thinking with the little head, it likes to talk like that, except it sounds like Mr. Roper from Three’s Company, or at least mine does. But trust me, if you hear Mister Roper, call for an escort, they are cheaper and they leave when you want them to, and you get to skip over the smarmy love crap and get right to the whoopee (which, by the way, is still a socially acceptable term for sex). It’s win/win, but an awfully expensive cab fare. But again I digress.

Another hilarious statistic has to do with menstruation, or as I like to call it, “Dear lord the woman’s bleeding from her {bleep}ing {bleep-bleep bleep} someone call a {bleep}ing ambulance”. I garner than roughly 1/6 of all women are seeping on the glorious Red Heart Day itself, and why wear your heart on your sleeve when you can wear it in your panties as well. Well excuse me for saying so, but that’s just disgusting. If you are in the unlucky 1/6th of that population, I have pity on you because all that junk you bought won’t mean crap unless you have some really freaky girl who likes to get it on in the middle of a crimson tide, and chances are you probably won’t be too turned on by it yourself.

Again our subject at hand, Valentine’s day and it’s trappings: chocolate (which in the event you date a stripper, should be given in concentrated “white powder” form to fully express your love), lingerie which hits the floor in .0005sec, card, dinner, drinks, wine, jewelry, theater, etc, etc. You can easily spend $400+ on a woman just to get some of the tang, and even then you might have some fat chick that you’re afraid to let go of lest you be alone on Valentine’s Day (or just plain alone). Listen up loser, save half of that money and get an X-Box, and spend the other half on a hooker, it’s definitely cheaper.

And for God’s sake, stop beating the shit out of your woman during the Super Bowl!

Update: Joe Stump tried to tell me that my claiming that domestic violence rises during the Super Bowl is not true. My response is that there is strong evidence that there is indeed domestic violence related program activities. We’ll let it go at that lest any of you unpatriotic wife-beaters dares to call me a liar, you goddamn liberals.


Dean: Flip Out!

Dean, buddy, pal… you lost. Get over it homey, you’re not going to the White House, and Kerry is already saying “Howard who?” when your people prank call them to ask if he needs a VP. Think about it man, it’s not that you are a bad guy, it’s just that you really freak a lot of people out who aren’t too wild about the idea of replacing a batshit crazy Republican president with… well you.

Now don’t take it too hard, I mean you showed that you’re a pretty cool guy and wanted to get rid of Bush; Hell, you stood up and became a front man for everyone who was against that terribly ignorant Iraq war, kudos for that. The internet latched onto you and vaulted you to heroic status as someone who will be listened to. Unfortunately, when those people aren’t reading Daily Kos or CalPundit, they are looking at porn [nsfw] or updating their blog with links to badger badger badger or some link they found on Fark. Not that I’m anyone to talk of course.

The only problem is that you appealed to all the internet anti-war minions and forgot that 90% of America doesn’t blog everyday (I made that up, but it sounds plausible). And once they realized that you were not the hero they sought, they dropped you like a bad All Your Base joke. Oh sure, you’re career as Internet cliche may live on as a YEAAAAARGH joke for a few more months and possibly past the general election, but face it bub, YEAAAAARGH doesn’t get you many votes from Iowans (who I’ve heard on good authority, don’t even have electricity, much less the Internet).

So what are you going to do? I mean, you could probably mope through another 3 months of primaries, watching your numbers shrink until even Al Sharpton is shaking his head in disgust, or you could do what any crazy left-liberal candidate should do when it’s clear the road is blocked and they still have millions in the bank: Flip Out!

Flip out man, go crazy nuts, perhaps start quoting Mr. T at your rallies: “I pity da fool who votes for Bush”. Now, by flip out I do not mean self-destruct and bring down the whole anti-war movement, ignore everyone you have previously debated and realize the what your Internet constituency truly hates: war. Now focus on Bush and don’t hold back: call him names (warmongering monkey boy works well for some), make shit up (he drowns babies and old people in oil), no one’s going to care (except the usual apologists), they will know that you have FLIPPED OUT! Trust me, the Internet loves a man who flips out and attacks the establishment.

Now, eventually, you are going to run out of campaign money, or some pro-war thugs are going to beat you up or something, regardless the end result will be that your campaign is finally over. When that day comes, don’t kill yourself or anything (not like you would), instead give a ring to the EFF and see if they’ll take you on as a consultant, then send select emails to some of the larger blogs and Leftist publications and see if you can’t write op-eds for them (since most newspapers will probably not return your calls). You will now have established yourself as an internet icon for life, invite your friend Al Gore to write about how he invented the Internet and explain how he figured out the intricacies of packet switching. Oh, and don’t flip out any more after you concede.


The Crab on Mars

So, I was reading this Slashdot story on why Mars is all red, and since I understood very little about it, a comment caught my eye claiming that there were crabs on mars, I followed the link it gave and thought to myself: “what the crap is that thing”? Being a suspicious person of course I had to consult with the original NASA panoramic photo of Mars (which is really, really, really large) which resulted in the speculation and sure enough, it’s there too. So I saved the photo to my desk, and not knowing what else to do with it, I opened it with Photoshop and looked at it, and promptly concluded that it must be some debris from the lander airbags (which are supposed to tear off thin fabric layers on rocks and junk instead of popping).

Not knowing what else to do with the photo in Photoshop, I decided to make the sky blue and so I did, then I made the surface look scary like if Mars was really an evil planet covered with a thick soot from heavy machinery of eons past. The result is this desktop image that I’m now using and you are free to have as well, it’s 1280 x 1024.

mars blue sky

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A Public Service Announcement

I’m really sick of everyone posting that stupid Ben Franklin quote like no one has ever heard it before and it is the best quote ever. Actually I’m sick of them misquoting Franklin now that I think about it.

Fact: Ben Franklin loves electricity and the smell of bacon.

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Welcome to the new site

Welcome to my site, I’m back from a hiatus (checks watch… jeez six months?). Some of you may know me from my writings and rants (if not, now is the time to read them). Some of you may have just wandered in somehow. While others of you are working for the government and are watching to make sure I don’t use the the words kill and. the. president. in the same sentence, luckily the latter are not very grammar inclined. A few things of note before you run off and click on stuff:

It’s broken in IE, I am aware of that, I am soliciting help from a CSS guru tomorrow.

Everything is imported, but some of it looks like ass because my max width is 525px, whereas some of my old images are wider. I don’t really care at the moment, but I thought I’d let you know.

There is a lot of work to be done still, this is a working beta of the site as far as I’m concerned. However I am trying to get it all finished as fast as possible, because I would like to be able to write instead of worrying about stupid design issues. I’m nerdy but I’m tired of having to tweak things for hours on hand. Blah to that.

Anyways, if you’ve read this far, then you realize I am pretty long-winded. Pull up some popcorn and a drink and start reading.

Ciao for now.

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