Oh Fuck, A Legal Notice!?

PICTURES OF LAW BOOKS ON SHELVES, LOTS OF THEMFirst off, don’t get your panties in a twist because we said something that hurt your feelings with the truth, that’s no reason to sue someone. Now read on…

Our ultimate goal is to present all the facts and some opinions when we cover news, so if we’re wrong, let us know in a nice comment or email to the author of the content, not a general complaint to the guy who has to keep us legal in so many other ways. We post a lot of images, videos, music players, and who knows whatever technology there will be tomorrow on this site. Anything we host, we so for informational and educational purposes for a short period of time (30 days), but we’re getting better at off-site links to minimize our exposure to parasitic lawyers. We’ve fought legal battles before (and watch a lot of Judge Judy) so we have a good understanding of what’s right and what’s wrong. But if you still want to waste your time sending a DMCA takedown notice, then by all means buy a fancy lawyer who can afford TV ads. We know those guys gotta get paid somehow, right? Cue tune: THE MORE YOU KNOW™

The rest of this notice is for legal folks who don’t want to act human and are typically just trying to harass us into not talking about their client at all. We don’t like having to write in high legalese, so we stole the template from another website… which is really kind of ironic. We added some clarification for people who are curious what this legal crap actually means.

The following notice applies to this website (hammeroftruth.com in case you are confused):

To file a copyright infringement notification with hammeroftruth.com you will need to send a written communication that includes substantially the following (please consult your legal counsel or see Section 512(c)(3) of the Copyright Act to confirm these requirements):

1. A physical or electronic signature of a person authorized to act on behalf of the owner of an exclusive right that is allegedly infringed. (Random takedown notices from some unaffiliated ambulance chaser who doesn’t have authority to file suit on someone’s behalf is going to just make us more likely countersue and/or publicly tar and feather your firm’s reputation)

2. Identification of the copyrighted work claimed to have been infringed, or, if multiple copyrighted works at a single online site are covered by a single notification, a representative list of such works at that site. (You should make sure we host the stuff, dumbass lawyers, DUMBASSES! Lrn2technology.)

3. Identification of the material that is claimed to be infringing or to be the subject of infringing activity and that is to be removed or access to which is to be disabled, and information reasonably sufficient to permit the service provider to locate the material. Providing URLs in the body of an email is the best way to help us locate content quickly. (Let’s get this straight, it’s not our job to search for the alleged infringement (we have over 5,000 articles) and look up every uninformed lawyer’s meager request to “REMOVE SARAH PALIN’S RETARD BABY PHOTOS FROM SITE” If you are this stupid, then how the fuck did you pass the bar? If you want to just try and waste our time, this ain’t the way to do it, because we like to let judges see this kind of idiocy for themselves by printing out emails and submitting them as evidence.)

4. Information reasonably sufficient to permit the service provider to contact the complaining party, such as an address, telephone number, and, if available, an electronic mail address at which the complaining party may be contacted. (Hey, if you’re a dickface lawyer who’s wrong, we want to give you some advice on how to not be so painfully stupid. This means we will call you up and let you know in excruciating detail how and why your interpretation of the law will be laughed out of court by any sober judge. If we are wrong — and trust us no one is some perfect “my shit don’t stink” type of person — WE WILL APOLOGIZE LIKE A BOSS, PUBLICLY!)

5. A statement that the complaining party has a good faith belief that use of the material in the manner complained of is not authorized by the copyright owner, its agent, or the law. (sometimes artists or their agents will send their material to us. Make sure this did not happen because it would make you look dumb. Did we mention we have a very large readership?)

6. A statement that the information in the notification is accurate, and under penalty of perjury, that the complaining party is authorized to act on behalf of the owner of an exclusive right that is allegedly infringed. Reiteration of the kind of upstanding world we aspire to. Perjury and lying is a very big deal, like chop-your-nuts-off big (or at the very least a large fine). Our audience and a judge will be notified of your conduct.

Such written notice should be sent to our designated legal agent as follows:

RE: LOVE LETTERS FROM SLUTTY LAWYERS
liberty sucker, LLC
8160 Pine Drive
Rye, CO 81069

You may also send it to us via email at mail*(&#(@*(&$(*&stephenvandyke.com.

Counter-Notification (SUCK IT, TREBEK!)
Please also note that under Section 512(f) any person who knowingly materially misrepresents that material or activity is infringing may be subject to liability. Please also be advised that we have ninjas in every state who will fuck your shit up if you take us on and are in the wrong. We’re talking public relations nightmare of biblical proportions, you don’t want to get your boss’s attention that way. Under First Amendment provisions, all documents, emails and other verbal or written exchanges will be reproduced to comply with the public disclosure requirements of our charter.

We love you and want to be good citizens who cherish their rights.

If you don’t like that, you can fuck off because… THIS … IS … AMERICA!

And this is just for laughs:

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