Esquire writer Tom Chiarella is counting how many times Bruce Willis relieves himself in this article. Also he counts a lot of other stuff, like pears. By the time we finally get to page three of this awkward pee and pear prose, we’re given the political purview:
The fourth urination follows. He returns, walking around the large hotel bed — it’s a nice Beverly Hills hotel, but the furniture is drabber than you’d think — phone in hand, gets his balls broken for having a small bladder, ticks out a laugh and says, “Don’t judge.”
Why so much preparation for today? Why so little apparent fun in talking about his life, his work, the people he loves?
This brings on the second Willis stare — eyes narrowed, brow wrinkled. “I’ve been through enough of these,” he says. Just that — enough of these, not “enough of these to know.” Enough of these. Then he explains: “I get cranked up, I start talking about Hollywood and what’s wrong with what. Or politics. I might start in on Mitt Romney.”
And with that one simple follow-up, Willis gets mildly cranked up. “Yeah, Romney. He’s just such a disappointment, an embarrassment. Chin up, hair up. He’s just one of those guys, one of those guys who says he’s going to change everything,” he is saying. “And he’ll get in there, and they’ll smile at him and introduce themselves: ‘We’re Congress, we make sure nothing changes.’ He won’t do it. He can’t. Everybody wants to be Barack Obama. And what did he change?”
You think Romney’ll win?
“No. Nah. I don’t really care.”
Now Willis, who publicly backed the first Bush in his run against Clinton, gets wound up on the Republican candidate. “He’s just the Dash Riprock of the Republican party.”
Then he laughs out of the corner of his mouth, leaning into his stare. Just like the old smart-ass Bruce Willis. This might be called the third Bruce Willis stare.
Yes, there’s apparently two other stares that Chiarella counted, he’s that dedicated to literally writing by the numbers.
Unfortunately for us, he didn’t bother to ask about Willis’s views on other still-running candidates like Ron Paul, or Gary Johnson, or even Roseanne Barr. Okay, maybe not Roseanne Barr.
It’s probably best to take the Die Hard hero at face value when he says he’s become apolitical of the whole duopoly mess and appreciate that he’s smart enough to notice. Because it’s obvious his perspective is quite preoccupied with the reality of yet another child on the way in the middle of this election year.