Minneapolis Declares “War On Undeath;” Jack Chick Creams Himself

They arrest the dead.

I know that there’s been a lot of bigotry against Undead-Americans lately, a lot of racial profiling. Apparently a lot of people are lumping them in with the terrorism crowd, too:

Six friends spruced up in fake blood and tattered clothing were arrested in downtown Minneapolis on suspicion of toting “simulated weapons of mass destruction.”

It’s an understandable overreaction; I mean, there were seven ghouls among the 9/11 hijackers, after all. We have to put our foot down as a nation at some point.

One group member said the “weapons” were actually backpacks modified to carry a homemade stereos and were jailed without reason. None of the six adults and one juvenile arrested have been charged.

“Given the circumstance of them being uncooperative … why would you have those (bags) if not to intimidate people?” said Inspector Janee Harteau. “It’s not a case of (police) overreacting.”

We had to arrest these people without charging them, you see. We’re in a war for the safety of America! Since Minneapolis isn’t terribly close to Gitmo, however, I’m sure they’ll just toss them in a foreign ship in Duluth and call it good.

In fact, we need to start rounding up the undead sympathizers here at home. We need to arrest any kids wearing black and listening to goofy angst music. I’d say we should probably chuck the remaining members of the Grateful Dead in Gitmo just to be safe.

Anything less and the zombies will win.