News reports are just now coming in that confirm that no sensationalism-chasing crews for FOX News, CNN, MSNBC or other large networks who covered the storm live were injured by flying debris. All crews are reported as being accounted for and uninjured. Save for a totalled CNN coverage vehicle, damage to the Hurricane Coverage News Teams was minimal and the reporters should be ready for the next on-location crisis in no time.
After whipping across Florida only to pick up steam and slam into the Gulf states of Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama, Hurricane Katrina Coverage News Teams are blowing their last puffs of hot air and will soon be heading north to their headquarters in Atlanta, D.C. and New York to report on missing white girls in Aruba. Flood Coverage News Teams are now on the scene across the Gulf coasts, saturating the airwaves with scenes of people driving through water and wading to the market. Many of the Flood Coverage Teams are also informing us that we should not walk in the water because of the amount of bacteria, while standing in that same water. Many people do not realize that Flood Coverage Teams are above the laws of immunization.
Our award for most likely to be impaled by a ball-point pen hurling at 120MPH belongs to Steve Harrigan of FOX News, letting us have rain-specked views of danger with his leaning-into-the-wind reports. Harrigan gave us such insightful news about the hurricane’s effect on the human body, with reporting such as:
“The water is already knee-deep, and it’s already higher than when we got just here.”
“So far I can still stand up!”
“I’m getting out of here, the roof of a building just blew right at my feet!”
“The winds are very strong…”
“It’s gotten to the scary level here…”
“You can see the debris flying now. Okay I’m getting out of here…”
“Whoooah! There’s broken glass. It sounded like a window in the hotel just went.” (Harrigan then covered his eye, but since Hurricane Coverage News Teams are beyond the reach of the laws of physics, we know this was just for show)
Truly, we should be in awe of such in-depth reporting on such a catastrophic event. But FOX News also picks up the award for best coverage of locals, when they ask a resident why he hasn’t evacuated, and he answers them: “None of your fucking business.”
Wrong sir, our heroic Hurricane Coverage News Teams make it their business to cover all the significant news so they can report and we can decide, and your evacuation choices up to this exact moment is critical to that reporting… don’t you see?
Update: More coverage of the coverage over at Buzzmachine. This exchange between Geraldo and some blonde weatherbabe (I’m guessing) is classic:
FOX NEWS WEATHER BABE: The situation in New Orleans has the potential to be horrific.
GERALDO RIVERA: Would you say it could be hell?
FNWB: Uh, yes, I guess so.
GR: So we have hell and high water.
FNWB: Oh, yes…ha ha.
Another Update: (Usually) animated Internet celebrity, Foamy the Squirrel, weighs in on the hurricane disaster reports (thanks Nick!).
Amazing Redemption Update: Wow, this clip of FOX News’ Shepard Smith and Geraldo Rivera freaking out at the convention center on day 6 is just gripping. You know when even FOX is boiling mad, the government fucked up.
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